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Goth visibly uncomfortable in weekend retail job uniform

A GOTH is clearly not enjoying having to wear a lurid uniform as part of their weekend retail job.

Customers of the Asda where 18-year-old goth James Bates works on weekends have noticed his clear discomfort with having to wear a garish green polo shirt instead of an all-black ensemble including a top hat.

Shopper Margaret Gerving said: “I know goths usually look sad, but James looks extra-tragic as he stacks multi-packs of Wotsits in pasty white make-up and a gilet embroidered with a corporate logo.

“Maybe he’s contemplating melancholy thoughts about the futility of existence and how we’re all going to die one day. I know that’s what I’d be thinking if I was stuck in a supermarket all weekend, goth or not.

“Or perhaps he’s thinking he should have got a job that’s more compatible with his lifestyle, like an undertaker. Then he could wear a ridiculous black topcoat with skull buttons and have a crow perched on his shoulder all day long.”

Bates added: “I’m pressuring the manager to change the uniform to floor-length leather trench coats. After we sort that, we’ll talk about adding Cradle of Filth to the in-store playlist.”

The Hoosiers and other bands that prove the Noughties were a musical wasteland

FROM 2000 to 2010 the UK was completely void of good musical talent. How else do you explain these chart-topping bands?

The Hoosiers

Briefly popular during the summer of 2007 thanks to their irritating earworm Worried About Ray, these days The Hoosiers have been relegated to the status of an obscure pub quiz answer. Even twatting about wearing superhero costumes in the video for Goodbye Mr A couldn’t secure them a cultural legacy, strangely enough.

The Feeling

These sweep-fringed, gentrified rockers dominated the airwaves in late 2005 with a series of vacuous hits that all sounded exactly the same. Besides being unlistenable, your main issue with The Feeling is that bassist and songwriter Richard Jones is married to Sophie Ellis-Bextor, who you would totally be with by now if it wasn’t for him.

The Ting Tings

Not quite a one-hit wonder, The Ting Tings achieved top ten success twice with a pair of excruciating singles that you’ve actively tried to erase from your memory. Since then they’ve gradually slid into irrelevance, with their fourth studio album The Black Light not even having a Wikipedia page. Probably because it’s absolutely terrible.

Scouting for Girls

Pity the youth that grew up during the Noughties. Not only did they live in the shadow of 9/11 and struggle through a recession, one of their distractions during this bleak era was this piano-based pop rock band with an annoying name. Gen Z are right to look back on this time with a sneer of disdain.

Athlete

This morose indie outfit somehow topped the album chart in 2005 with an album whose lead single was f**king Wires. Perhaps their depressing dirges were accepted as good music because they tapped into the miserable mood of the nation, which at the time was in the grip of an unpopular war and problematic Yorkie adverts.