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Queen irritated by people who don't do anything

THE Queen has confessed being irritated by people who do nothing their whole lives but sit around giving well-meaning speeches. 

Her Majesty was overheard at the opening of the Welsh Parliament saying ‘it’s really irritating that they talk but don’t do’ about the world elite who refuse to use their wealth and power to make a real difference.

She continued: “Some of these people. What have they ever done but talk?

“They’re the lucky ones. They’ve got everything they could need in this world. But to me that means they have a responsibility to make a real, physical difference to help those who aren’t so lucky.

“Even if it’s just leading by example, they can help. Wind farms on their Scottish estate, for example, or investing millions in renewables, or just showing that you don’t need so many castles.

“Of course they know they’ll be alright whatever. So they make pretty speeches and carry on as if nothing has changed. They’re so blind.”

She added: “Then again these green protesters take it too far. Like bloody Charles.”

Every female organism on earth to get divorced after hearing new Adele song

EVERY human woman, female mammal, insect, fish and multi-cellular organism on the planet is to split with its partner after hearing Adele’s new single.

Easy On Me, which details the singer’s pain at her divorce, has every living thing in our biosphere convinced to have no more to do with the male half of their species to live as their authentic self.

Zoo vet Franscesca Ryan said: “I saw it on GMTV and called my solicitor immediately. I need to put me first.

“But then at work all the female meerkats have left the burrows, the lionesses want nothing to do with the lions, and the office goldfish has flounced out of the castle to be the woman she promised herself she would be.

“It’s replicated down to micro-organisms and happening worldwide. Even females of dicopomorpha echmepterygis, a parasitic wasp just 0.186mm long, have metaphorically donned shiny trench coats and walked out of dilapidated black-and-white host eggs to start joyously living in full colour.”

Penguin Tom Logan said: “I heard the single. It didn’t have any emotional effect on me whatsoever. I don’t understand what I’ve done wrong.

“But I do now have a confusing urge to put on a brown leather jacket and drive a sports car while listening to extremely well-played guitar.”