Man shifts from gentle liberal to angry selfish bastard within seconds of getting in the car

A MILD-MANNERED and socially conscious man descends into a bundle of intolerant raving fury the moment he gets in his car.

Tom Logan describes himself as a feminist with a concern for the elderly and the environment. But once the door shuts on his Citroën C1 he instantly converts to believing speed bumps are the work of woke council do-gooders and women can’t drive because they’re putting their lipstick on.

Logan said: “I believe we owe a duty of care to one another in this world, otherwise all is lost. That, however, is the view of Tom Logan the pedestrian. Tom Logan the driver says if old people don’t want to be mown down on pelican crossings they should get a bloody move on, shouldn’t they?

“As for climate issues, I believe that radical change is urgently required for our children’s sake. But Logan the driver says f**k those smelly, spinach-shoed Insulate Britain protesters, I’ll drive right through you. My kids’ll be all right if sea levels rise because I’m driving them to swimming lessons, so get out of the sodding road.

“Cars are obviously bad for me. I should probably take the bus but public transport is so terrible it would probably just make me even more psychopathically enraged.”


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Office try-hard treating Friday like a work day

AN overeager office worker is treating Friday as if it is a normal working day and toiling away accordingly.

Carolyn Ryan has left colleagues confused by enthusiastically sending emails and attending meetings, even though it is a Friday so she could get away with doing f**k all.

Co-worker Helen Archer said: “I had to check I hadn’t lost track of the days when I saw Carolyn cracking on with her sales report for Q3. Everyone knows Friday is technically part of Saturday.

“She was the first person back in the office after lockdown so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. It was the ultimate mega-doss and she couldn’t even get behind that.

“Doesn’t she know that there’s still a tacit agreement between bosses and workers that we can spend Fridays pissing about? There has to be something that makes coming to work worthwhile.”

Boss Emma Bradford said: “I miss the days when you could go for a two hour lunch on a Friday and neck three pints with nobody batting an eyelid. Now I have to make do with slyly sipping a can of Malibu and coke while I eat my sandwich.

“The received wisdom is that alcohol and work don’t mix. Unless you drive a combine harvester, that’s wrong.”