Government Backs Crocodile Insurance

EVERY crocodile owner in the UK will have to take out insurance under government plans to tackle 12 foot long killing machines with jaws of steel.

Home secretary Alan Johnson said that while Britain was a nation of animal lovers, it was probably time to do something about the thousands of massive crocodiles currently sitting in the middle of people's living rooms.

He added: "While we do not want to stop people from buying and owning crocodiles, I suppose we do all have a right not to be chased down the street by what is essentially a dinosaur and devoured in front of our local community."

The government now wants to amend the 1991 Dangerous Crocodilian Act which banned only a limited number of breeds including the West African Dwarf Crocodile, the Orinoco Crocodile and the Broad Snouted Caiman.

An RSCPA spokesman said: "A lot of horrid, working class men with tatoos buy crocodiles as status symbols, while many are used for illegal crocodile fighting. You should see that, by the way. It's completely mental."

But owners and breeders have urged the government not to discriminate, insisting many sub species can make excellent family pets, such as the Staffordshire Bull Crocodile.

Wayne Hayes, from Doncaster who owns an eight foot long Spectacled Caiman named 'Chico', said: "He doesn't need a muzzle. He's perfectly safe as long as I am holding onto him with this thin nylon rope."

The RSCPA spokesman added: "Many people buy baby crocodiles because they look cute, but within six months most of those people have had their face chewed off.

"In these circumstances I would say that a baby crocodile is just for Christmas.

"Best to simply flush it down the bog and forget about it."


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Ferguson Distances Himself From Thing That Does Seem To Benefit Everyone Involved

MANCHESTER United manger Sir Alex Ferguson last night rejected claims he was involved in a plan that will help millionaires become richer and shut thousands of miserable fans the fuck up.

Ferguson said a plan by a group of City financiers, known as the Red Knights, to buy the club from the evil Glazer family while giving a greater say to ordinary supporters, offended his simultaneous beliefs in both capitalism and socialism.

Sitting atop his third favourite racehorse, Ferguson said he had always hated money and stressed he was comfortable with the concept of people power unless it accidentally led to actual people having actual power.

He insisted: "The Glazers, the Red Knights and myself will all no doubt make vile amounts of money from this revoltingly obvious thing to do, while the chances of the new owners replacing me with Avram Grant remain disgracefully non-existent."

Ferguson did also stress that if he is the person controlling the budget for new players and the person complaining he does not get enough money to buy new players,  it will simply increase the frequency with which he goes absolutely mental.

The Red Knights takeover bid is being organised by millionaire financiers Keith Harris, Jim O'Neill, Paul Marshall and Keith's best friend Orville.

Speaking through Orville, Harris said: "I wish I could fly way up to the sky in a consortium made up of high net worth individuals, private equity funds and supporter-shareholders with limited voting rights, but I can't."

Meanwhile the Glazer family have refused to relinquish control of the club insisting there are still some nice crispy bits of skin towards the back end they can pick at.