Sugababes 'Date Back To Henry Viii'

AN EARLY form of Sugababes could have existed during the reign of King Henry VIII, it emerged last night.

Documents and paintings discovered in a secret chamber at Hampton Court Palace refer to a trio of female entertainers know as 'The Sweet Women', who wore low cut bodices and caked more cochineal and lead-based poster paint onto their faces than other ladies of the time.

Tom Logan, professor of applied sugababeology at Reading University, said: "When Henry wasn't dissolving monks or testing the thickness of his wife's neck fat, he liked to settle down with a teenage Spanish virgin, a big bucket of goats testicles and watch three high society ladies slut it up on the dance floor.

"We believe these women – Lady Charlotte D'Agney, Lady Elizabeth Villieux and the third one, Beyonce of Arundel, could very well have been the first in the long line of tone deaf jail-bait that evolved into the current Sugababes."

Professor Logan also discovered what he  believes is the ladies' journals, containing sonnets and poems such as Shake Your Junk, My Sovereign Lord and the upbeat, 16th century R'n'B standard Protestant Welsh Sex Toy.

He added: "And then there's the haunting ballad Need A Stuart Inside Me Tonight, hinting at unrequited love and the pressures of being trapped in a castle by a 25 stone lunatic with a jacket made of bears.

"We've also found a parchment with several pictures of what look like male genitalia and typical Tudor phrases such as 'Charlotte 4 Cardinal Wolsey 4 EVA' and 'Lois XII of France is a fucking bender'."

Until now, sugababeologists have estimated the original line-up formed around 1900 and has since included more than 3,000 singers including Dame Judi Dench, Viscount Whitelaw, Ian Ogilvy and that ropey bird from Eastenders who looks like a hawk.

 

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Tory Campaign To Focus On Marginal Wives

THE Conservative Party leadership are to shift the focus of their election campaign to securing the support of their own wives.

A weekend poll showed that despite maintaining a lead of at least six points over Labour, the party was still 38 wives short of an overall majority.

Since 2006 the Tories have used millions of pounds from businessman Lord Ashcroft to target their most marginal wives with Mini Coopers, fancy new hats and a special machine that can suck all the fat out of their upper arms.

But now there are signs the target wife strategy may be faltering after some of the wives admitted to a fondness for broad-shouldered northern men who work with their hands and use rough language.

It has been claimed that David Cameron's wife Samantha has voted for different political parties in the past raising concerns that she may be some sort of normal human, while party insiders say Ffion Hague just doesn't give a shit any more.

The Tory panic comes after Gordon Brown boosted his re-election chances by lying through his teeth to the Iraq Inquiry and then flying to Afghanistan in a move that made it clear exactly how intelligent he thinks you are.

The prime minister also made an empty promise about providing some new vehicles that are not made from moist, wholemeal bread while Labour said it was the Tories who were guilty of 'cynical timing' for attacking Mr Brown so soon after he had done something.

Meanwhile Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg told Sky News the prime minister had done the right thing by exploiting British troops, defended Jack Straw over the Jon Venables case and insisted the Tories were the secret, evil controllers of the international currency markets, before refusing to say which party he would support in the event of a hung parliament.

Mr Clegg then left for Downing Street where he replaced Guardian editor Alan Rusbridger at the business end of Mr Brown's throbbing tumescence.