Woman Completes Film Without Banging It Into Other Film

KATHRYN Bigelow was last night honoured for completing a film without bumping it into any other films in the immediate vicinity.

The director of The Hurt Locker became the first woman to win an Oscar for managing to put a film in a cinema without having a nervous breakdown, tearfully swapping insurance details with another director or leaving it poking out of the cinema at a really selfish angle.

She said: "There were times when I thought, 'this is too difficult' and this camera thingy doesn't work properly and all the other films are too close together.

"I almost swapped seats with my husband and told him to finish it. But then I took a big, deep breath, moved the film back to where I started and tried another 68 times."

According to the poster The Hurt Locker tells the story of the emotional traumas of a group of 19th century deep sea divers who find themselves caught up in the chaos of post war Iraq.

After realising they are trapped in the future they decide to make themselves useful by defusing bombs while protected by their heavy boots and shiny, bulbous helmets.

Elsewhere Jeff Bridges finally became the first Jeff Bridges to win Best Actor for his 18th portrayal of a very slightly different version of himself.

Sandra Bullock became only the 82nd woman to win Best Actress for her portrayal of one of those screechy, under-educated mothers that Americans seem to love but everyone else would like to stab in the arm and push into a shark tank.

James Cameron's Avatar was inexplicably nominated for nine awards but took just three, including Best Eight Foot Tall Blue Cat People Made on a Laptop, Best Three Dimensional Exploding Tree and Best Film in an Embarrassing Made-Up Language.

Meanwhile Sandy Powell was the only British triumph of the evening, winning Best Costume Design for dressing lots of actors playing Victorians in Victorian costumes that she obviously just copied out of a book.


Nostradamus Predicted 2010 'Would Be Bad Year For Buy-To-Let'

THE prophecies of Nostradamus include warnings about fluctuations in the UK property market, it was claimed yesterday.

The Institute for Studies has examined the more obscure writings of the 16th-century seer, discovering quatrains foretelling the current dip in house prices, including:

  • Many shall be beguiled by the two-headed beast, 'Kirstyanphil
  • They will buy in supposedly 'up-and-coming areas'

  • They will make some mainly cosmetic changes

  • But then all the money fucks up and a new age of darkness does commence.

Nostradamus's other predictions included warnings that new build 'designer' flats are unlikely to hold their value, and that buying anywhere near Richmond is a bad idea as it will be completely destroyed in the War of the Many Headed Sea Dragons, sometime in the latter half of 2013.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: "The buy-to-let market was one of Nostradamus's main interests, after the occult.

"Indeed, historical records show that during the Great Plague he used his powers of prophecy to predict the areas which would remain unaffected by pestilence and therefore desirable.

"He then bought several properties with excellent potential as 'projects' and decorated them in a style five years' ahead of its time.

"He was like a bearded Sarah Beeney, but not quite as creepy."

Historians believe Nostradamus's house price predictions came when he entered a trance-like state, during which he would commune with a group of smug demons at a kind of metaphysical Satanic dinner party where the culinary theme would be 'modern eclectic dining' and the background music sounded a bit like Corinne Bailey-Rae.