Government praised for pretentious tool prevention

IMMIGRATION regulations keeping the country free of artists have been welcomed by people who are not dicks.

Border agency paperwork that flummoxes beret-wearing pseuds that use words like ‘dialectic’ is stopping them from infesting London’s cafes, according to an open letter signed by Salman Rushdie, Bridget Riley and dozens of other people who are dicks.

Rushdie said: “Just the other month me and eight of my friends were denied the pleasure of watching a Czech artist drape the walls of a Mayfair ‘space’ with old pages from the Littlewoods catalogue.

“All because of the petty bureaucracy designed to keep out an entirely different kind of scrounger, rather than people I want to drink Merlot with and talk about olive farms.”

Immigration officers have reported increasingly desperate examples of artists trying to smuggle themselves into the UK, with an experimental dance troupe recently found in Melvyn Bragg’s luggage and a performance poet disassembled and labelled as livestock feed in a freight lorry at Dover.

A UK Border Agency spokesman said: “We have a points-based system rating the skills a person can bring to the UK and I’m afraid the ability to read a whole Milan Kundera novel without wanting to burn down a library isn’t one of them.

“Short-term visas are awarded to artists on a daily basis and you don’t see the likes of Beyoncé or Johnny Depp being detained at customs, very possibly because people will actually pay money to see them perform.”

Rushdie has vowed to take his complaint further, threatening to write a letter to the prime minister that is an impenetrable 400 pages long, will be read by nobody but will universally be described as brilliant because dicks do not like to look stupid.


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Bachmann launches White House bid by machine-gunning a pig

MICHELLE Bachmann has launched her presidential campaign with the ritual machine-gunning of a pig.

The 55 year-old Republican congresswoman delivered a passionate speech in her birthplace of Waterloo, Iowa before producing the automatic weapon from behind the podium, putting on a pair of goggles and then spraying the animal with high calibre bullets.

In accordance with Bachmann’s instructions the pig was dressed as Diane Keaton in Annie Hall.

Bachmann, a leading light in the right-wing Tea Pot movement, then dipped her hand in the fresh blood and used it to write ‘Jesus’ on her forehead.

But due to a technical problem involving a part of her brain, she wrote it backwards, prompting some senior Republicans to question whether the party was ready to be led by someone who worships ‘susej’.

The backwards Jesus did little to dampen the enthusiasm of the traditional Iowa audience who recently backed a proposal to outlaw marriage between two people who can spell.

Bachmann then dismembered the pig with an axe and tossed the chunks towards a group of children from a local elementary school who fought over the raw meat like rabid hyenas.

Encouraging the youngsters to fight, she picked up a megaphone and screamed: “Blood! Blood! BLOOOOOOOOD!”

Amid deafening cheers from the crowd she then ripped the pig’s heart from the carcass, held it aloft for a moment and then bit into it like it was an apple.