EVERYONE will have to defecate into a bucket and present their stools for examination under government plans for a database of every bowel movement in Britain.
Home secretary Jacqui Smith said anyone producing solid brown stools or floaters had nothing to fear, as long as they had made a formal Declaration of Poo and noted down the time and place of excretion.
However, those with runny or beige faeces, or anyone with waste containing chickpea, coriander or traces of bomb juice could be detained for up to 42 days without charge.
The home secretary said: "The intestine is a 30-foot hiding place for the terrorists who would destroy our way of life, and we need to be in there.
"Every day these maniacs become more secretive and more evil. They dress like us, they look like us and they act like us, but they sure as hell don't shit like us.
"I tell you this: if you are intent on thinking bad thoughts then beware – your filthy terror doings will betray you in the end."
Tom Logan, a civil rights lawyer, said the government would combine the Poo Files with its new record of every phonecall and email in the UK to create a complete database of everything coming out of either end of anyone.
He added: "Let's just go through that again, because it can get a bit complicated.
"THE GOVERNEMENT IS KEEPING A RECORD OF EVERY PHONE CALL YOU MAKE AND EVERY E-MAIL YOU SEND.