Government To Examine Everyone’s Stools

EVERYONE will have to defecate into a bucket and present their stools for examination under government plans for a database of every bowel movement in Britain. 

Home secretary Jacqui Smith said anyone producing solid brown stools or floaters had nothing to fear, as long as they had made a formal Declaration of Poo and noted down the time and place of excretion.

However, those with runny or beige faeces, or anyone with waste containing chickpea, coriander or traces of bomb juice could be detained for up to 42 days without charge.

The home secretary said: "The intestine is a 30-foot hiding place for the terrorists who would destroy our way of life, and we need to be in there.

"Every day these maniacs become more secretive and more evil. They dress like us, they look like us and they act like us, but they sure as hell don't shit like us.

"I tell you this: if you are intent on thinking bad thoughts then beware – your filthy terror doings will betray you in the end."

Tom Logan, a civil rights lawyer, said the government would combine the Poo Files with its new record of every phonecall and email in the UK to create a complete database of everything coming out of either end of anyone.

He added: "Let's just go through that again, because it can get a bit complicated.

"THE GOVERNEMENT IS KEEPING A RECORD OF EVERY PHONE CALL YOU MAKE AND EVERY E-MAIL YOU SEND.

"Okay? Good."

 

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Abramovich Buys Big Fat Woman From Painting

RUSSIAN billionaire Roman Abramovich has paid £2 million for the great big fat woman in the painting by Lucien Freud he bought last week.

Sue Tilley will have to spend 24 hours a day pretending to be asleep on a couch in Mr Abramovich's London home

A spokesman said: "He like painting very much, but when put in living room he say, 'is okay, but prefer real big fat lady on couch'."

The spokesman said Ms Tilley will be wheeled from room to room as Mr Abramovich moves through the house.

Since relocating to London the tycoon has developed a keen interest in art, particularly when it is made from real people.

His favourite is a full-scale recreation of the civil war masterpiece And When Did You Last See Your Father? which currently occupies about a third of his kitchen.

The models are only allowed to eat and use the toilet when Mr Abramovich and his guests have gone to bed.

Art dealer Tom Logan said: "His back garden is essentially the Hay Wain by Constable, with the cart, the horse and two guys who have to remain absolutely still the whole time.

"It sounds difficult, but you'd be amazed how little you move when there's a rooftop sniper aiming at your forehead."