Government To Monitor One Trillion Cock Pill Emails

THE government has outlined plans to monitor all of Britain's email traffic, covering everything from penis enlargement to Lindsey Lohan straddling a Labrador.

The only internet traffic exempt will be Ministry of Defence communications, NHS data transfers and anything that comes to or from the inbox of an MP, even if it has a JPEG attachment entitled 'Freaky Japanese Scat'.

IT expert Julian Cook said: "Sorry, I must have misheard. Did you say all the internet traffic in the UK? Are you fucked up?

"An elderly crofter living on a Hebridean sheep farm generates enough porn-related clicks to keep an IT worker busy for a year.

"Your average ADD office worker clicking their Facebook page like a starved lab rat on the food button would take more people than are currently alive in the world."

Civil rights campaigner Nikki Hollis said: "It's like that book by Orwell. Not the one with the pigs, the one set in the 1980s. What was it called?

"Anyway, the point is, if I update my Twitter page every eight seconds, then that's nobody's business but my own and the seven people who follow me. Hi Debs. CU l8ter. LOL."

But a Home Office spokesman insisted: "Nikki Hollis' ongoing Twitter status is very much the business of government. We need to be able to respond effectively the moment we intercept intelligence which suggests she has just eaten a Kit Kat and is beginning to regret it.

"And as for the gigantic amount of sexually explicit material that will be collected, you do know the home secretary is Jacqui Smith, right?"

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Two Scottish People Feeling A Bit Run Down

THE government has raised its virus alert level to 'pantastic' after it was confirmed that two people in Scotland were hovering close to feeling slightly unwell.

The pair, from one of the dozens of non-descript hell-holes between Edinburgh and Glasgow, were admitted to hospital yesterday when their condition was described as 'critically fuzzy'.

Doctors said they were now 90% certain the couple were suffering from Pork Flu as opposed to a common strain of Scottish Influenza, also known as a bastard hangover.

Dr Tom Logan, from the Royal Infirmary of Scotland, said: "Scottish flu is particularly common at this time of year as the weather becomes milder and the days longer, meaning everyone spends even more time in the pub than usual, mainly because they can stand outside all night smoking hundreds of fags."

He added: "I would not be surprised if over the next few days we see thousands of Scottish people coming forward reeking of cheap wine and claiming to have spent the weekend in Mexico City."

A Department of Health spokesman said: "We are almost certainly facing a pandemic and there is now nothing we can do to stop quite a few people being given some pills and told to stay home and watch Murder She Wrote.

"However, we are urging those infected not to watch Grey's Anatomy on Living TV. It won't make their illness any worse, but it will make them much, much worse – as people."

Meanwhile in America more than 40 people have been confirmed as feeling a bit peaky, including one woman who really had to sit down.

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