INJURY-hit Andrew Flintoff has confirmed he is unlikely to recover in time for an absolute humping by Australia this summer.
The England all-rounder said he was 'gutted' at the thought of missing six whole weeks of flailing wildly at nothing while his stumps explode behind him.
"It's such a shame but I've got a really sore leg. No honestly, really sore. Ow, OW. There it goes again. It's the left one. Yep, definitely the left one. Why, what did I say the last time?"
Former fast bowler Darren Gough said the focus will now shift to the next most likely England player to be utterly humiliated.
He added: "Injuries like these can keep you out for months, or until Bangladesh turn up, whichever comes first. I suffered a similar setback in 2002, when I ruptured my arm bone something rotten and another lad had to have his chucked pies twatted out of the ground."
Flintoff's history of injuries dates back to 1999 when he dislocated a finger during a barstool-related incident. ECB official Denys Finch-Hatton said: "Nobody can combine massive disappointment with drunken buffonery with quite the same flair."
The 2005 Ashes hero is currently sipping daiquiris on a sun lounger in South Africa where the IPL is paying him enough cash to suffocate a hippo. He recently signed for the Chennai Super Kings as they are named after his favourite brand of cigarettes.
A friend said: "If there'd been a team called the Delhi Meat Pies or the Mumbai Eight Pints of Bitter, he'd have faced an almost impossible decision."