Government’s ‘Banned List’ Makes Everything All Better

THE government's decision to ban some foreign people with unpleasant views has made everyone incredibly nice, it was confirmed today.

'God bless their wet, salty fun', said Phelps

Within minutes of the Home Office announcement, racists, violent extremists and homophobes agreed to put down their placards and stop being so ruddy unpleasant all the time.

The Reverend Fred Phelps, the US psychopath who thinks all soldiers are gay witches, said: "The British government makes an excellent point. I will stop thinking these thoughts immediately."

He added: "Would you like to touch me on the bottom?"

And militant Islamic fruitcake, Safwat Hijazi, said: "Did I really say the infidels should be beheaded and that we should paint our mosques with their blood? That doesn't sound like me – I must have been drunk.

"Anyway, who's up for a double bill of Jesus Christ Superstar and Fiddler on the Roof?"

The government acted after a handful of British tourists were infected with horrid, nasty thoughts on the plane home from Acapulco.

Julian Cook, from Bristol, said: "About half way through the flight I turned to my wife and said, 'I don't want to go back to Britain, it's full of black people and homosexuals'. And she said she felt exactly the same way."

The government has today sent a leaflet to every home in the country advising what to do if you find yourself being a bigot, including wiping down hard surfaces with Dettol and spending a long weekend in the Lake District with an Asian lesbian.

Meanwhile people across Britain are demanding that any 'banned list' must include the pathetic couple from the BT adverts.

Tom Logan, from Hatfield, said: "I thought we'd got rid of them, but they're back and if we do not do something now it will be fucking weddings and fucking babies and it will go on and on and on."