GORDON Brown is hoping to regain the political initiative today by confirming that Britain's schools are so much worse than they used to be.
The beleaguered prime minister will deliver a keynote speech filled with half-baked ideas while underlining the fact that some schools are so bad that they really need to be shut down immediately.
Mr Brown is expected to say: "Amid the froth of political gossip our education system remains my biggest priority and my God if it's not in a right fucking state."
A senior Downing Street source said: "The public sees us as divided, corrupt and incompetent so it is absolutely the right time to get the focus back on policies and remind people that we have failed in absolutely everything we set out to do."
On Wednesday Mr Brown will make a keynote speech insisting that despite 12 years of pay rises for doctors and nurses, the NHS is still a pile of old shite.
And on Friday he is expected to unveil a series of law and order initiatives emphasising that after more than decade of big, fancy promises Britain remains an insanely dangerous place to go for a stroll.
Downing Street is also working on a new plan to give apprenticeships to absolutely everyone, including all the existing apprentices who are currently taking part in each of the government's last four apprenticeship schemes.
Meanwhile, as Labour risks being relegated to 14th place in the upcoming European and council elections, the Natural Law Party is planning a comeback by targeting disillusioned Labour voters with the slogan, 'For Christ's sake, you may as well'.