Graduates doing low-paid jobs in a moody way

UNIVERSITY graduates trapped in low-paid jobs have resolved to do them in a grudging, sour-faced manner.

“Do you want chocolate fucking sprinkles””

Figures show that around 50 per cent of graduates are employed in manual or service industry roles that they think themselves far too good for.

Coffee shop assistant and media studies degree holder Tom Logan said: “Having to serve customers with a modicum of politeness is so demeaning. They want me to say things like ‘hello’ and make eye contact.

“It’s like I’m some kind of performing monkey, rather than a soon-to-be-recognised media genius.”

Logan said he maintained a constant scowl and mildly ironic tone while taking orders for hot drinks and giving customers their change: “I’m subtly subverting the role of the server by letting customers know they are bothering me.

“Also I need to network with the other baristas, who are also planning to make feature length documentaries about skateboarding, which means I am too busy chatting to clear up all the dirty mugs and plates.

“Anyone who doesn’t like that is just jealous of my massive potential.”

English graduate and data entry administrator Emma Bradford said: “I am a butterfly trapped in a cage.

“That’s a metaphor, one of the many clever things I know about that make me different and special.”

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Surfing has too many rich kids, says Cameron


THE prime minister has complained that Cornish surfing is dominated by a clique of wealthy public schoolboys.

David Cameron, who took his boogie board down to the beach to check out the local scene, found himself shut out by trust fund surfers who’ve never worked a day in their lives.

He said: “We could all be professional surfing coaches if daddy paid for the lessons and bought us a cool VW camper van to party in.

“I was expecting to pick up wisdom from authentic tanned locals who lived to ride waves and slept on the beach under their battered boards.

“Instead it’s a bunch of Old Harrovians holding Jack Wills parties and drawling at each other in their RP voices about which of next season’s debutantes they want to nail.”

Cameron is planning to go back to London, where at least he can have a decent conversation with people who don’t turn away when they find out your dad’s not a baron.

He said: “Honestly, the rahs always come along and ruin it for everyone. It’s the same with grouse shooting.”