GRANCHILDREN have threatened to withhold their affection if elderly benefits are handed back to Iain Duncan Smith.
As the welfare-reluctant minister called on better-off pensioners to voluntarily return benefits, grandchildren demanded to know how would be able to afford shitloads of Ben 10 action figures.
Nine-year-old Stephen Malley said: “Grandad’s surplus pensioner money gets handed to me, in instalments of £5 and £10, as a reward for being alive.
“Should these payments cease I would never see my grandfather again because there would be no point.
“Iain Duncan Smith likes to act the hard man but I’m a child so I haven’t even developed a proper conscience, I’m basically Patrick Bateman with a fringe.
“Also Duncan Smith is an unlikeable bald bastard, whereas I am of small stature and therefore cute.”
81-year-old Denys Finch-Hatton said: They can have my winter heating allowance when they pry it from my warm dead hands.