Guardian readers' new gentrified activity is 'wild copulation'

MIDDLE-CLASS perverts are packing car parks in forests for their new obsession of ‘wild copulation’, formerly known as dogging. 

The newly-gentrified activity combines the open air, trangressive sexuality, and watching others do all the work in a single evening’s smug entertainment.

Freelance copywriter Emma Bradford said: “People worry about the cold, but honestly it’s so invigorating you don’t feel it. Instead you feel energised and empowered.

“It’s a traditional working-class activity that’s been practiced, with a bracing indifference to its legality, for generations. You’re reconnecting with nature, going back to our country’s very roots, and there really is nothing like the night breeze on your tits.

“I’ve lived in Romford for years and yet never realised that, right on our doorstep, were some of the most scenic spots to be humped by a butcher anywhere in the UK.”

Tom Logan, aged 38, a recent convert, said: “It’s amazing how much natural beauty there is to be found in our nation’s lay-bys, just waiting to be discovered.

“We nip out after tapas and stand around with the other Guardian readers discussing schools while watching a couple go at it in the back of a Vauxhall Zafira. Fancy some flavoured lube? It’s organic avocado and kale.”

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How to trick people into thinking you didn't piss away your weekend

SPENT your two precious days off doing bugger all but watching telly and wanking again?  Fool friends and colleagues into believing you have an enviable social life: 

Lean to the vague

No way does your phone show 14 hours of screen time for Saturday. In fact you had such a mad one at various pubs and clubs that your memory is hazy and bereft of detail. But your wild antics were definitely fun and definitely happened, and you definitely weren’t crying at Clueless again.

Look hungover

Easily achieved. Not because you spent Sunday evening drowning your dread of the week to come with gin, though. No, because even as late as last night you were in the pub, hanging out with a diverse crowd of attractive people who don’t have last names or social media accounts.

Reference pop culture

The Spurs game? Oh yeah, mad wasn’t it? Can you believe it when he scored? And as for that murder TV show everyone’s glued to? Gripping stuff or overrated trash, you agree. Nod and smile while the people with lives catch up and nobody will suspect that you spent 48 hours grinding Halo achievements.

Say ‘I got nothing done!’ 

Imply that your unironed shirt, unanswered emails and unkempt appearance were a direct consequence of getting picked up in a limo full of cool people straight from work on Friday, and let them fill in the blanks. If they suggest you lay on the sofa in a deep hole of despair, apathy and biscuits, tell them to try again.

Steal other people’s lives

Being pressed for information? Pass off other people’s lives as your own. Remember to change the names and places to make it more credible, don’t tell it to the person you stole it from, and cut out the bits where you’re suspiciously lively and admired. Alternatively, just say you went to the pub with mates. It’s simple, believable, and about as fun as life gets.