Six people you've met in your life who were as deluded as Liz Truss

IN your life you’ve encountered a few people as forcefully deluded as former PM Liz Truss. These were the ones who snubbed reality: 

The chemistry supply teacher

Every lesson, a riot unfolded in front of her. Kids were lighting fags off the burning gas taps. Balls of silver foil flew at her face. Chesny just got up and rubbed out the whole diagram she’d just chalked up. It was like it wasn’t happening. Unperturbed due to her spectacularly misguided self-belief, she announced the end of class to nobody.

Your sister-in-law

A bar-raising fuckwit who makes inedible wheat pancakes fried in olive oil, strips wallpaper pissed and takes off half the plaster, and once lost her car for three days because she thought it was a red one. As absolutely convinced of her own brilliance as Truss still is as if the evidence wasn’t right f**king there.

The woman who crashed her car into yours

She steps out of the Audi, blinking as if it will make the twatted rear-end of your car blur and resolve itself, then turns on you. How could you let this happen when she was on her way to a business brunch? Why couldn’t you, so petty and insignificant, have simply anticipated her trajectory? At least, she comforts herself, the insurers will take her side.

Your former boss

Every financial indicator pointed to his restaurant going down the shitter. Every accountant warned him. The customers made their displeasure apparent. He blithely breezed through up to the very point the bailiffs arrived and then said ‘Don’t fret mate, I’ll talk them round.’ Apparently he still talks up how groundbreaking it was. Like Truss.

Your ex

Bump into him a few months after that sublime night when he was dumped and he seems to have spent the whole intervening period getting his story straight. He lets loose with 4,000 words of evasions, justifications and assertions as if anyone gives a shit. As if he was given a moment’s thought since.  

Jeremy Corbyn

Still out there. Still maintaining that he was entirely correct, any successes were entirely down to him and any failures were thanks to saboteurs. Bemoaning the country’s failure to accept how great he is to this day. No, you haven’t met him, but you’ve met loads of pricks like him. 

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How to get safely dumped before Valentine's Day

WITH eight days to go before Valentine’s Day, if you want to get out of buying chocolates and giving head you need to get dumped now. Follow these tips: 

Fake an affair

Daub your shirt collar with lipstick, spend long evenings watching Avatar 2 with your phone off, scent appropriately then crawl into bed at 2am claiming to have been at the cinema. You’ll soon be confronted. But cover your tracks. If your girlfriend recognises her own perfume or finds Odeon tickets in your wallet, your duplicitious monogamy is blown.

Talk of nothing but Valentine’s Day

Make it clear you’re expecting Valentine’s Day to be a Big. F**king. Deal. The expense alone should scare off any reasonable boyfriend, let alone the weight of amorous expectation. Drop hints about prohibitively exclusive spa days and restaurants with ten-course fixed menus. You’ll find yourself ‘moving in different directions in this relationship’ by Thursday.

Start bigging up your ex

Your phone left open on her Insta, your laptop on her Facebook, her name mumbled in feigned sleep. Arranging to ‘meet her for coffee’ will set the foundations of your relationship shaking, especially when she ‘looked really great actually’ and your girlfriend, who met her ex for coffee last month, was looking for an excuse.

Suggest you move in

An abrupt gearshift in relationship seriousness always unsettles, and insisting you move all your shit into his place, coupled with musings about wallpaper accents or ‘I think we’re ready for a puppy’ will set pulses racing. Make Valentine’s night the night to seal the deal and you’ll be single before sundown.

Hint you’re going to propose

It shouldn’t take much. Stopping at jewellers’ windows, being caught in the kitchen saying ‘I think I’m ready’, introducing her to your parents and their local vicar who shows you round his church. Especially effective in relationships of less than six weeks. Your Valentine Toblerone will forever remain unbought.

Show them the real you

Drop the act. Be the person you truly are deep inside: crass, flatulent, uninterested in anything but your own gratification. Especially effective in relationships of more than two years.