Guardian-reading Labour couple checking they're not Nazis

A MIDDLE-CLASS couple who are Labour party members are investigating whether they are vile anti-semites.

Guardian articles about Labour’s alleged anti-semitism have left earnest liberals Tom and Jemima Logan worried they must hate Jewish people without knowing it.

Teacher Tom said: “I checked Facebook in case I’d been putting up disgusting racial slurs and mad conspiracy theories, but luckily I hadn’t.

“I did find a post saying Jeff Goldblum was annoying in Jurassic Park, but I don’t think that counts as hardcore anti-semitism.

“It’s also probably okay that I had a ‘German Stormtrooper’ Action Man when I was six, although obviously I’m ashamed of my youthful militarism.”

University administrator Jemima said: “Recently I had words with a Jewish guy at work but that was strictly about him borrowing my stapler, not secretly controlling the world.

“I’m also pretty sure I’ve never joined a racist group like the National Front, unless there was some terrible mix-up with our National Trust application.”

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Not drinking bleach is 'Project Fear', says Brexiter

WARNINGS about anything are just scaremongering by cowardly Remainers, a Brexiter believes.

Sales manager Roy Hobbs thinks all risks – whether post-Brexit food shortages or using a chainsaw without training – are rubbish made up by pro-EU weaklings.

Hobbs said: “Take drinking bleach. People say it’s bad, but there’s literally no way of knowing until you’ve tried it. I’ll probably have some tonight with lemonade. That’ll show them.

“Your typical Remoaner lives in a permanent state of fear. I bet they’re even scared of having a quick nap when you’re driving on the motorway.

“I couldn’t live like that. If I want to build a fire pit in my loft for when it’s raining I’ll bloody well do it, even if some jobsworth fireman tells me the whole house might go up next time.

“You can’t fool us Brexiters. I’m not worried about food shortages because I live near a massive Asda.”

Other risks that Hobbs plans to ignore include placing a £5,000 bet on the Grand National, teaching his children to knife-fight and constructing his own trampoline.

He added: “If these feeble Remoaners try to stop Brexit I’ll be out on the streets rioting, once they’ve taken the plaster casts off my legs.”