THE phrase ‘there’s plenty more fish in the sea’ is now untrue whether used to refer to the availabiity of romantic partners or the actual sea, it has emerged.
Relationship experts and oceanographers have agreed that both the oceans and the dating pool are now polluted with unthinkable levels of toxic trash.
Professor Mary Fisher said: “Whether you’re a loggerhead turtle or a 26-year-old SWF searching for good times maybe something more, you’re going to choke on something discarded and nasty.
“Strange, damaged creatures roam around looking for victims while the most desirable species are ruthlessly hunted to extinction by superpredators, in sea and dating both.
“Soon there will be no more fish in the sea, either actual or metaphorical, that are in any way palatable and humanity’s numbers will plunge accordingly. And not before time.”
Fisher added that increasingly single people were considering doing a ‘Shape of Water’ and hooking up with actual fish, which are nicer than most humans.