Half-a-million primary school pupils taught in single class

APPROXIMATELY 500,000 six-year-olds are being taught in a single class by a harassed and distracted teacher.

The class, which is meant to be learning about hot and cold lands, contains 82,000 pupils who need help getting their coats off, 22,000 pupils asking to go to the toilet, and a further 44,000 who have unfortunately had a little accident.

Teacher Eleanor Shaw said: “Obviously we’re trying to provide – no, don’t put that in the fish tank, Olivia – the best possible education – Rowan, no fighting – for the children, but – George, if I hear one more word from you I’m afraid the Smile Shop will be closed.

“If it weren’t for the 1,750 problem pupils we have like Theo, David, Ella, Abdul, Sophie, Hunter, Archie and Morgan then I’m sure it would be fine, but they can be disruptive and it’s hard to deal with when they’re more than a mile-and-a-half away.

“Still, I am confident that the majority of them know some letters of the alphabet and at least one number, so I’ve exceeded standards in the average free school.”

Parent Stephen Malley said: “Dylan does sometimes come home with someone else’s shoes on, having not had lunch and with his hair on fire.

“Still, it’s free childcare so we don’t give a shit.”

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Keith Richards tells Death to sling his hook

KEITH Richards has told Death to move along.

The 72 year-old Rolling Stones guitarist admitted that with all the terrible news lately, Death may be ‘getting ideas’, but stressed he remained bafflingly healthy.

Richards said: “I made Death my bitch after he tried to kill me for the ninth time.

“Anyway, this week he seems a bit scythe-happy when it comes to cherished performers, but I would strongly advise him not to waste his time.

“There is nothing to see here.”

He added: “All the deaths these last few years, it’s almost as if Death is trying to put together a cracking little dinner party. I hate dinner parties.”