Entire nation standing far too close to the radiator

EVERYONE in Britain is standing so close to the radiator that it hurts.

As temperatures plummeted, millions of people across the country are getting home from work as quickly as possible so they can position themselves securely until bedtime.

Nikki Hollis, from Hatfield, said: “I get my phone and the TV remote and then stand so close to the radiator that it burns my arse.

“I stand there from the start of Coronation Street until the end of Midsommer Murders. Do not ask me about going to the toilet.”

Meanwhile, a British inventor has unveiled a special ‘radiator chair’ to combine maximum heat and comfort.

Mary Fisher said: “It’s essentially a bean bag that you wedge under the radiator.”

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Hatton Garden robbers sentenced to watch hellish Danny Dyer film based on their story

THE Hatton Garden jewel thieves have been sentenced to sit through the inevitable British gangster movie based on their heist.

Seven men, all believed to have quirky nicknames, will be strapped to cinema chairs and forced to watch Danny Dyer being a ‘tasty geezer’ for 90 minutes.

Defence lawyer Roy Hobbs said: “They will be subjected to horrible stereotypes and incredibly painful Cockney banter.

“All they did was steal some jewels for Christ’s sake.”

The film will feature Dyer alongside Vinny Jones and all the surviving cast members from Minder.

Hobbs added: “The mark of a civilised society is whether it uses Danny Dyer against its own people.”