THE happiest places in the UK are on the verge of not being in it, it has emerged.
The Orkneys, Shetlands and Scottish Highlands, where there is almost no trace of British civilisation and which are almost free of British people, are full of happy people.
Lewis resident Bill McKay said: “Well, first there’s clear blue water between you and Britain and frequently it’s so stormy no-one can reach you, so that’s your security.
“We can’t get British telly, we speak Gaelic and the British are disparaged, which gives you a great sense of camaraderie.
“Also, the seabirds are rigorously trained to divebomb anyone with even the trace of a mainland accent, following the 2000 Castaway-Ben Fogle disaster.
“We have heard of London. I believe it would be better if it were destroyed.”
But Faroe Islander Anders Ingmann said: “The poor bastards. To be so separate from Britain but unable to escape its filthy clutches.
“We hear them screaming at night, though it could be puffins.”