Happiest places in UK are almost not in it

THE happiest places in the UK are on the verge of not being in it, it has emerged.

The Orkneys, Shetlands and Scottish Highlands, where there is almost no trace of British civilisation and which are almost free of British people, are full of happy people.

Lewis resident Bill McKay said: “Well, first there’s clear blue water between you and Britain and frequently it’s so stormy no-one can reach you, so that’s your security.

“We can’t get British telly, we speak Gaelic and the British are disparaged, which gives you a great sense of camaraderie.

“Also, the seabirds are rigorously trained to divebomb anyone with even the trace of a mainland accent, following the 2000 Castaway-Ben Fogle disaster.

“We have heard of London. I believe it would be better if it were destroyed.”

But Faroe Islander Anders Ingmann said: “The poor bastards. To be so separate from Britain but unable to escape its filthy clutches.

“We hear them screaming at night, though it could be puffins.”

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Naturalists observe annual phenomenon of Arsenal shedding spine

NATURE experts have flocked to the Emirates stadium to observe the extraordinary spectacle of Arsenal FC shedding its backbone.

The phenomenon, common also to stingrays in the animal kingdom, occurs without fail every year around February.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Like mating seasons or the Icelandic geysers, Arsenal’s transition to invertebrates occurs with astounding regularity. 

“First, there is the build-up, which occurs from roughly September onwards. We see the Arsenal species clamber up the premier league to claim their place as leader of the pack.

“Then, however, quite suddenly, at the turn of the new year, their spines visibly drop out of their shorts and they spend the remainder of the season slithering about in fourth place.”

It is not known what causes the spine shedding phenomenon. Some have said it is to do with the onset of cold weather, and the unique effect it has on this most delicate variety of footballing animals.

Others have suggested some obscure connection between facing up to teams whose names begin with S, such as Southampton or Stoke, as if the letter triggers off the word ‘spineless’ in their DNA.

Brubaker said: “One of the most poignant sights in the natural world is the large worried eyes of a Mesut Ozil as he realises it’s happening yet again.”