Have the Plan B rules successfully distracted you from the Christmas party scandal?

THE rollout of Plan B restrictions was conveniently timed to distract you from the Christmas party scandal, but did it work? Find out with our quiz.

What was your first thought this morning?

A) I’d better buy some more face masks now that I need to wear them in public spaces.

B) It’s a bit rich that Jacob Rees-Mogg didn’t get fired for joking just like Allegra Stratton.

What’s the mood like in the office?

A) Pretty downbeat. Everyone’s probably sad that we need to work from home as of next week.

B) Pretty downbeat. Everyone’s probably thinking about how our ruling elite is laughing at us.

How did you react when you heard about the restrictions?

A) I was a bit surprised. I thought they were going to introduce them next week but bringing them forwards for no reason whatsoever can’t hurt.

B) I shouted ‘Are you f**king kidding me with this diversionary bullshit?’ then screamed at a pitch only dogs can hear.

Why do you think backbenchers are furious?

A) They’re always cross about something. Today it’s the restrictions, tomorrow it’ll be an expenses scandal. Best just to keep your head down and not think about it.

B) The fact that the Christmas party scandal is haemorrhaging their already depleted reserves of credibility. At this rate they’ll only win by a slimmer majority in the next election.

Do you think the police should launch an inquiry?

A) Into what, the Plan B rules? I don’t think so, we’re just following the science so it would be a waste of their time.

B) Of f**king course, but they won’t because Cressida Dick daren’t bite the hand that feeds her.


Mostly As: The Plan B rules have successfully distracted you from the Christmas party shitshow. It must be very nice living in your naive, deluded little reality.

Mostly Bs: Congratulations, they’ve failed to pull the wool over your eyes. You’re woke to the fact that the Plan B rules are a distraction from the Christmas party scandal, which itself is a distraction from the Nationality and Borders Bill you’re oblivious to.

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'They work hard and deserve a knees-up': The diehard Tory's guide to defending them

WANT to defend the government even though it’s obvious they’re a bunch of lying shysters? Mindlessly loyal Tory voter Roy Hobbs explains how:

They work hard and deserved a knees up

Who didn’t need to let their hair down at the end of last year? It was a tough time. And it was especially tough for Downing Street staff, with all the hours they put in doing important work like defending Dominic Cummings.

No one else followed the rules

Lots of people had gatherings last Christmas so what’s the problem? Oh, you think the people who made it illegal to gather in large numbers shouldn’t have had one? That’s because you’re a snowflake. I had a party. Nobody came, but that’s not the point.

Allegra Stratton has taken the blame

Okay, so technically her only crime was making a joke about the alleged party, but you’ve got your scalp, you traitorous government haters. She pretended to cry and everything. What more do you want? Boris to resign? Don’t be ridiculous.

It’s part of an orchestrated attack by the left

Have you noticed how a terrible story about the Conservatives comes out every time there’s a by-election? The problem isn’t that the Tories are both corrupt and inept, it’s that their woke enemies want to undermine them by pointing it out. What do you mean, I sound mental?

Labour would have had a big, socialist orgy

As ever when I have no other line of defence I will claim Labour would have done something much worse. Rather than an innocent cheese and wine party they would have had a massive orgy and had rampant sex while a video of Neil Kinnock’s 1985 conference speech played. The animals.