Hazard lights used sarcastically

A MOTORIST hopes the driver behind, who did not intend to allow her into traffic but had no choice, realises she was flashing her hazards sarcastically. 

Joanna Kramer used the traditional hazard light gesture of thanks to the Subaru at her rear to convey that the driver was not in fact gracious but a twat, but is worried it might be misinterpreted.

She continued: “He’ll get it. Even a knobhead like him should understand the basics of indicator-based insulting irony.

“He surely can’t believe he actually let me out, rather than being forced to stop because my bumper was an inch away from his shiny pearlescent arsehole’s bumper, but maybe that’s courtesy to a wanker like him?

“It’s so difficult driving while being British. When I flashed my lights at that taxi last week, did I really manage to convey my weary resignation at being surrounded by utter fucknuts, or did he think I was genuine?”

Kramer was then reassured that the Subaru driver had fully understood when he replied with a long, loud blast of his horn after she was a second late going through traffic lights.

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How to tell if your date is a psycho from the contents of their fridge

ARE you at a date’s home and trying to work out if they’re completely mental? A quick look at the contents of their fridge will give you the definitive answer. 

A week’s worth of prepared meals

Preparing all your meals in advance could mean someone bored and lonely, or could mean someone weirdly controlling and tediously organised? Neither bodes well for a fun relationship.

Mushroom kombucha

Anyone finding this in someone’s fridge will be rightly freaked out because it looks like a jar of pickled aliens. When you find out it’s actually fermented mushroom tea then still be freaked out because you’re on a date with a tiresome health nut.

Nothing but condiments

A fridge full of condiments, whether a selection of mustards, a half-empty bottle of ketchup or a massive jar of mayonnaise means their owner is incapable of looking after themselves and wants you to become a weird chef-parent hybrid prepared to shag them occasionally.

Maggots

Can be explained away by the fridge-owner being into fishing. Which while a better explanation than being a filthy bastard, still leaves the troubling discovery that they’re into fishing.

A still-living human brain

Even if you’re desperate for a relationship, this is quite a red flag. But if you’re over 40 and have baggage you might have to settle.