'Help me' mouths man forced to socialise against his will

A MAN who has been dragged to a social event by his wife has silently expressed his need for help from the other side of the room, it has emerged.

Nathan Muir’s dead-eyed face briefly emerged from the crowd at his sister-in-law’s New Year drinks party when he made his inaudible, desperate plea for assistance.

He said: “Please, I’m begging you, help me. This is the third party I’ve been dragged to this week and I don’t know how much more small talk I can take. You’re my only hope.

“I don’t even know most of these people. I assume they’re colleagues or extended family or neighbours but I can’t be certain. All I know for sure is that they’re not my mates and a nice pint, which is all I want.

“If you can see me, please drag me away to talk about the World Cup or The Traitors or anything that isn’t related to Christmas. But hurry. I can’t endure the misery of making idle chit chat while wearing my one nice shirt for much longer.”

Muir’s wife said: “I’m having such a nice time but we need to leave soon. I’ve arranged for us to swing by two other family dos on the way home.”

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Squeezing out the last of the toothpaste: six reasons why it's worth having a boyfriend

EVER look at the useless slab of meat you’re chained to and wonder what is the point of him? Here are the few times he’ll come in handy:

Reaching high shelves

On average, men tend to be a bit taller than women which comes with several benefits, such as being able to reach the highest shelves in the house without the aid of a chair. Ready access to that new box of Cheerios almost makes up for having to share your life with a man who collects superhero dioramas.

Squeezing out the last of the toothpaste

Just when you thought your toothpaste was all gone, along comes your boyfriend with his vast, oafish hands. After several minutes spent grunting over the tube he eventually squeezes out a tiny dollop. Over the course of a miserable lifetime together, this could add up to one whole tube of toothpaste.

Amateur pest control

One of the few advantages of reductive gender stereotypes is that, whenever there are spiders around, it’s your boyfriend’s duty to deal with them. Of course you aren’t actually bothered by them while he’s a terrible arachnophobe. But seeing him shrieking and running way from a creature the size of a penny is far more entertaining than anything on Netflix.

Chauffeur on hand

Thanks to an abiding love of Top Gear, your boyfriend regards driving his shitty Toyota Yaris as a bonafide hobby. You don’t like his disturbing devotion to Jeremy Clarkson but you love the fact that he’s happy to come and pick you up at 3am after a night out with your mates. You know he also hopes his taxi service will lead to a drunk shag in return for his kindness, but those eight shots of tequila have other ideas.

Jar opening service

The male psyche perceives tightly sealed jars as a profound challenge to their sense masculinity. Instead of running the jar under a hot tap, your partner will engage in a Herculean struggle with it that looks likely to give him a hernia. But at least you’ve got your pickles.