Mum's New Year's resolution to never let children stay up until midnight again

A MUM has confirmed that she will never allow her children to stay up for the New Year’s Eve countdown ever again.

Emma Bradford thought her kids, aged six and eight, were old enough to hear the bells ring at midnight, but quickly realised what a grave error she had made.

Bradford said: “At 7pm it seemed like a lovely idea, especially as their dad had won the toss to see who gets to go out with their mates and actually have a nice time.

“But I soon realised I’d made a f**k up. I had to remain mostly sober to keep a responsible eye on them, while they got increasingly high on sugar and tiredness.

“By 9pm I gave up trying to engage them in the special ritual of seeing in the New Year and let them put the telly on, which meant suffering through three hours of Paw Patrol.

“And when we finally reached midnight it was a massive anticlimax and they said ‘What’s the big deal?’ before breaking down in exhausted, disappointed sobs.

“And they’re right, New Year’s Eve is bollocks. But that doesn’t mean that next year I won’t be absolutely shitfaced at All Bar One. For the sole reason that it will be my turn.”

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The smug prick who didn't drink last night, and other people you'd like to wish a shitty new year

KNACKERED, hungover and miserable after a mammoth drinking session last night? Here are the sober bastards you’d like to wish a very horrible new year.

The smug prick who didn’t drink last night

Be they a friend, your partner or the neighbour who laughs at your hungover face through the window when they return from a run at 8am, they’re a self-satisfied bastard for choosing not to start 2023 feeling like reheated shit. Tell them to piss off and go back to bed.

Your children

Fine, it’s illegal for them to drink until they vomit, but do they have to be so boisterously joyful about it? It’s taken you 15 minutes to shakily make a cup of tea and in that time they’ve trashed the living room by turning it into a fort and are now demanding a trip to the park. You long for the teenage years when they refuse to get up until 1pm.

Your neighbour who does DIY every Bank Holiday

Even with a mild hangover the last thing you want is Terry from over the back fence deciding to get cracking on his shed extension and noisily wielding an angle grinder at 6am. You feel some sympathy because of his recent acrimonious divorce, but you also want to punch him in the face.

Your boss

You’re not back at work for another two days yet the spectre of your line manager is already haunting your thoughts. You know he’ll make this year as miserable as the last, and even now he’s ruining your time off by making you anxious. Your hope for 2023 is that he falls down an open manhole and has to take six months off sick. Actually make that ‘gets eaten by rats’.

The bastard who suggests going out drinking again

You are full of paranoia and depression after your session last night, so when your mate texts and asks if you fancy a hair of the dog your initial reaction is to tell them to leave you to suffer in peace. However, your only other option is watching The Sound of Music with the irritating wholesome von Trapps, so you reluctantly agree and end up plastered again.