Hideous Londoners forced to travel above ground

THE twisted troglodytes who inhabit London have been forced to expose themselves to daylight. 

The near-blind, cannibalistic subhumans, who usually live their short brutish lives in either tunnels or offices, are now groping their way through the capital’s streets.

Nathan Muir, whose slimy green-white skin began to smoke and blossom into flame when touched by the sun, said: “The yellow eye in the heavens judges me.

“It burns me for my ugliness, because I defied the Lore by exposing my flesh to the Roofless World.”

The stunted goblins are trained from birth never to make eye contact with one another and use their holy text The Met Roe to hide their faces.

Their subterranean world is paralysed by a vicious war between the Riders and the Drivers.

Anthropologist Dr Helen Fisher said: “The Drivers demands an increase in tithe in exchange for spending their lives shackled to the controls of vast mechanical worms.

“Life is unimaginably awful down in the tunnels. There is a form of crude poetry inscribed on the walls, but it’s not anything a normal human could enjoy.”

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You’re going to protest against homophobia in the Winter Olympics by giving the same level of a shit about the event as you always do.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. If you’re unhappy and you know it, clap them slowly and sarcastically.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You have a really obscure joke about where in France Sean Connery goes for his holidays. It’s niche.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
To celebrate the Chinese Year of the Horse, you’re going to eat nothing but frozen lasagne.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
It’s your third month in the Magnet Kitchen factory this week and it’s only fair to warn you that if you make one more ‘counter productive’ joke you’re going to get a sink unit across the throat.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
There are many things that make a person feel alive – diving into a crystal ocean, the first thrilling kiss of a love affair – but right now I think what the patient really needs is 50cc of adrenaline.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
The tube strike is going to cost you money this week as there’ll be nobody outside the station to menace for a cup of tea.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Remember, never say something on social media that you wouldn’t say to that person’s face, you sack of fuck.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
On Friday you have one of those moments where you walk into a room and completely forget why you’re in there. The handful of warm butter and the courgette might offer some clue.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You can call it an ‘open letter’ all you want, but the court will view writing ‘all coppers are bastards’ on the wall of a police station as criminal damage.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Why not liven up the drab, joyless routine of taking methadone by jazzing it up with a Soda Stream?

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Nobody gives a shit about your opinion on Woody Allen. Nobody.