Hitler Avenue: the street names the British public really want

LOCAL councils are changing outdated and offensive street names. But what names would the good old British public really like? Here are some suggestions.

Scrounger Street

The public loves a bit of doley-bashing, as evidenced by Benefits Street, so would be delighted to see their prejudices officially confirmed. Big Telly Avenue, Pretending To Be Disabled Boulevard and You Know They’ve All Got iPhones Court would also be popular.

Han Solo Drive

Everyone’s sick of street names based on boring old real people, and everyone likes Star Wars. Let’s have Tauntaun Walk, Death Star Close and, for newcomers to the epic saga, K-2SO Grove.

Kentucky Fried Chicken Crescent

Britons were on the brink of insurgency when KFC branches ran out of chicken a few years ago. Clearly this greasy delicacy is a source of greater national pride than nobodies like Sir Isaac Newton, and should be honoured with street names.

No Name Street

The Brits love a laugh, so why not a humorous street name based on a U2 song? Others include Devil Gate Drive, Itchycoo Park, and Blueberry Hill. All very funny until the sign gets stolen once a fortnight minimum.

Rising House Price Road

House prices are a national obsession, whether you’re a homeowner or a millennial who will never be a homeowner unless they move somewhere shit like Stoke-on-Trent. The honesty would help newcomers to the area, and buyers in Negative Equity Street wouldn’t have any grounds to complain.

Hitler Avenue

Britain has an ambiguous relationship with Hitler. On the one hand he was evil and our enemy, but on the other without him we wouldn’t have any history at all. Living on Hitler Avenue would also make it easy to remember your address.

Brexit Way

There’s already a Princess Diana Court, so let’s move onto the UK’s latest fixation. A property in Brexit Way would be a superb investment due to all the Brexiters wanting to live there and pushing up house prices. If they’re not all unemployed and destitute by this point.

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Public on tenterhooks about grouse shooting rules

AS the prime minister is set to unveil the roadmap out of lockdown, the British public just wants to know when they can resume shooting game birds with guns. 

Having gone months without shooting a single grouse or pheasant, the entire nation is anxiously waiting to hear when restrictions placed on the popular blood sport will be lifted.

Mum of three Helen Archer said: “Juggling my kids and my job for a third lockdown has been rough, but it pales in comparison to not being able to put a bullet through a grouse’s head or neck with a .22 caliber smoothbore shotgun on a daily basis.

“Even if we’re not allowed to wear those silly tweed jackets and have to settle for ground sluicing instead of shooting them in the air, it’ll just be nice to have that little piece of normality back.”

Primary school teacher Joe Turner agreed: “It’s the only thing my pupils have been asking over Zoom. ‘Sir, when will we be able to pump lead into a defenceless bird again?’ I just hope they’re not let down.

“Being able to visit family is all well and good, but let’s get our priorities straight. Only once we’ve legalised discharging a firearm into birds can we focus on such trivia.”