Hologram of Enoch Powell to headline Festival of Brexit

A HOLOGRAPHIC projection of former Conservative MP Enoch Powell will be the headline act at the upcoming Festival of Brexit, the organisers have confirmed.

The divisive political figure famous for his ‘Rivers of Blood’ speech will be reproduced as a giant 3D image at the festival that will bring the country together.

Organiser Martin Bishop said: “We were hesitant at first because it seemed like such an obvious choice. I’m not saying that everyone who will enjoy the Festival of Brexit likes Enoch Powell, but everyone who likes Enoch Powell will enjoy the Festival of Brexit.

“The big guy will take to the main stage at the end of the festival to recite his infamous speech for the first time since 1968. For fans of Nigel Farage and Nick Griffin, this will be a magical opportunity to learn more about the history of stirring up anti-immigrant feeling.

“Other acts will include a cacophonous bellowing of Rule Britannia that probably won’t be broadcast by the biased BBC, and a real-time electronic display that shows the plummeting value of the pound.  

“White people and immigrants with 70 points or more are welcome. But not that welcome.”

Six types of people you can't stand but end up socialising with anyway

THERE are new rules for socialising, but sadly not for avoiding people you hate but find yourself stuck in the pub with anyway. Here are the worst.

Your girlfriend’s horrible male friend from uni

Your girlfriend is inexplicably friendly with Steve or Xander or ‘Boff’, but to you he just seems like a twat. Usually into things you have no interest in, eg. high-performance motorbiking and spouting dodgy opinions, he’ll make you want to take your pint and sit in the toilets for the rest of the night, even if it makes you look like the tosser.

House or kids bore

This individual will ruin any evening by talking relentlessly about their house or kids. Others will join in, and the conversation will soon be in a death spiral about combi boilers or GCSE results.

Your boyfriend’s super-creepy friend

Your boyfriend only relates to him on a basic level of going to the pub and talking about footie or films. However once you get talking to him all manner of weirdness comes out, eg. “If my girlfriend came home drunk, I used to leave her locked outside for half an hour.” Also, is he hitting on you with your partner four feet away? Yes. Jesus.

That guy… Chris?

Chris, if that’s his name, just kind of shows up but it’s hard to remember who he is. Is he Zoey’s mate? Or ex? Or actual husband? Either ways he’s a knob who wants to talk about cycle lanes. 

Woman who gets incredibly pissed and requires two hours of close supervision

Totally wasted male friends tend to find their way home like pigeons and grab a kebab on the way. Female friends are trickier, so once Lucy has necked 12 glasses of wine you now have to get a cab, find her lost bag, stop her falling over, locate her keys, realise this isn’t working and get her tucked up on the sofa with a washing up bowl nearby.

Relatives

You can minimise contact but never totally avoid it, so you may as well just resign yourself to finding about young Lee’s pointless Art & Interactive Technology course, or Uncle Gavin’s ultra-right views that make Mussolini seem woke.