Home workers spend all day laughing at you

HOME workers spend up to 85 per cent of their working day laughing spitefully at anyone stupid enough to be in an office.

A new report shows that home workers begin the day chuckling to themselves as they send a couple of 7am emails so it looks like they’ve started early.

By lunchtime, home workers have laughed at taking an important call while wearing a FUCK THE POLICE t-shirt, missing Jayne’s collection for her sponsored sit, and the outraged emails when the canteen runs out of bacon sandwiches shortly after 9am.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Being at home buying hats on the laptop while everyone else is at Mark from Marketing’s CRM presentation is a source of joy.

“Sipping a filter coffee while your colleagues chug machine-made shit causes a fit of giggles,  while a reminder that you’re missing a work-in-progress meeting can cause hysteria.

“Even the concept of a smoke break is hilarious to someone alternating spreadsheet updates and bong hits.

“However, home workers miss those magical moments when the office is united in laughter, for example when Emma from sales gets her car towed for parking in the disabled space.”

Home-based resourcing manager Carolyn Ryan said: “During conference calls I pull my pants down, put the phone to my genitals and pretend that they’re doing the talking.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

I'm astonished that I'm getting called a racist

Dear Holly,

I’m really astonished that I’m getting loads of flack for being a racist, when I am nothing of the sort. I’m 63 years old and us oldies have our own phraseology which, now and again may mean we sound like we’re mocking ethnic groups and being derogatory about women but this was the norm when I was a boy. I’m too old to bother with all this new-fangled PC nonsense you young’uns go in for which involves not being a xenophobic bastard. 



Dear Godfrey,

Were you in Mrs Mackie’s geography class too? In that case it’s no wonder your geographical knowledge is a little shaky. What do teachers expect when they do daft things like giving children access to the internet to look up land reclamation patterns in East Lincolnshire on Google Earth? The temptation to troll Mary Beard’s Twitter account is much too strong for any of us to be concentrating on the intricacies of fenland drainage.

Hope that helps!