Homeless people love it, says government

HOMELESSNESS is an exciting lifestyle choice and nothing to do with cutting benefits, the government has claimed.

After figures showed homelessness was up by 134 per cent, ministers said it was just people who hated being tied down to a house and loved being out in the fresh air.

Cabinet minister Denys Finch Hatton said: “The homeless are simply free spirits who enjoy exploring different places, never knowing where they’ll choose to lay their hat.

“One night they might stay in London’s glittering West End, the next they’ll visit the historic city of Bath. They’re like canal boat owners, but with a sleeping bag instead of a barge.

“People are choosing this great lifestyle and it’s nothing to do with stopping their benefits for six months if they’re five minutes late for a bullshit training scheme.

“Most homeless people have plenty of cash anyway, because they do odd jobs as they travel from village to village, or go hunting for buried treasure like Huckleberry Finn.”

Homeless person Roy Hobbs said: “The DWP told me I’ve been re-categorised as a ‘jolly vagabond’ and all I’m entitled to is some bread in a cloth on a stick.

“Apparently now I’ve got to roam Britain mending shoes and selling lucky heather.”

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Liberal unable to mention any historical figure without adding that they were racist

A LIBERAL man is unable to discuss any writers, musicians or historical figures born before 1970 without mentioning that they were racist. 

Nathan Muir of Brighton has so far today clarified that Harold Macmillan, Terry Thomas, Dame Thora Hird and John Lennon were racist, that Isambard Kingdom Brunel and Houdini were sexist, and that Sir Arthur ‘Bomber’ Harris was a homophobe.

Friend Tom Booker said: “He has to give you the modern day appraisal, like he’s holding their Top Trumps card.

“I don’t think anyone was surprised that Michael Faraday, inventor of the electric dynamo, was racist given that he was born in 1791, but Nathan has to drop it in before we can move on.

“It’s never worth challenging him. I once questioned whether Florence Nightingale was really a transphobe, and he said ‘Well, in the absence of any compelling evidence that she wasn’t, we must assume,’ and smiled condescendingly.

“Yeah, Nathan, we get it, everyone in the past was a total bigoted arsehole unlike you, the pinnacle of human morality. Now can we carry on with the pub quiz?”

Muir replied: “Yes but you’ll have to write down the answers because whoever invented pens was racist.”