THE public has been told not to panic-buy petrol, so of course that’s exactly what it’s doing. Here’s how to purchase fuel like a hoarding twat:
Honk gridlocked traffic
You haven’t moved forwards in ten minutes. Is it because the petrol station is rammed with motorists, or because you haven’t blasted the queue with a lengthy honk of your horn? It made no difference when you did this five minutes ago, but this time it’s sure to work.
Block a major road
Hardly your fault that you’re the 54th person to arrive at a busy garage on an A-road, is it? So you can’t be blamed for stubbornly blocking a major road with your turn signal blinking. That two-mile tailback won’t be your problem until you’re in it.
Pull up to the wrong side of the pump
Finally, after hours of waiting, you’ve reached the pump. Only you’re on the wrong side and the hose won’t stretch over to the tank no matter how hard you yank it. Looks like you’ll have to reverse and get it right. The other cars will happily oblige you in your manoeuvre.
Fill up extra cans
While you’re here you might as well make the most of it by filling up some extra fuel cans. Try to block out distractions like aggressive drivers telling you to ‘buy what you f**king need and f**k the f**k off’ otherwise you might spill some. Onlookers would be understandably cross if you were wasteful like that.
Top up your mostly full-tank
You didn’t strictly need petrol anyway because you had a relatively full tank, but you were beset by paranoia and it would be a shame to miss out on the fun. Pretend it’s taking longer to fill up than it actually is, otherwise the anxious delivery driver behind you might notice.
Shit, you got lost in the excitement of inserting a nozzle into a car and now you’ve put in diesel while you’re unleaded. Better call the RAC which could take ages seeing as the roads are clogged. There’s nowhere to move the car to either, so you’ll have to leave it blocking the pump. Can’t be helped. That bastard honking his horn distracted you.