THE government is to bring in the Army to deliver petrol, fix supply chains and take over all functions of government permanently.
The prime minister has decided that since this job is hard his servants can do it, and called for the armed forces to take command of everything his government is manifestly incapable of doing effective immediately.
Johnson said: “They’re out of Afghanistan, they’re at a loose end, and this country’s a big failing mess. Let them do what they’re trained for.
“From now on they’re in charge of fuel, supplying food to shops, keeping kids in school, all Covid-related measures, the upcoming COP26 climate change summit, Ofcom and trade deals. It’s not a military coup if it’s by invitation.
“It’s brilliant because all my voters, which is to say a f**ked-up coalition of working-class Northerners and the posh rich South, love the Army so it’ll be hugely popular at the next election. Should we be allowed to hold one.”
Private Josh Hudson, aged 19, said: “They told me I’d be travelling to war-torn countries to help their citizens eke out their squalid lives, but I never imagined I’d see somewhere as deprived as Merthyr Tydfil with my own eyes.
“We have a moral duty to start shooting insurgents immediately. Starting at the top.”