Government outlines plans for army to take over entirely

THE government is to bring in the Army to deliver petrol, fix supply chains and take over all functions of government permanently. 

The prime minister has decided that since this job is hard his servants can do it, and called for the armed forces to take command of everything his government is manifestly incapable of doing effective immediately.

Johnson said: “They’re out of Afghanistan, they’re at a loose end, and this country’s a big failing mess. Let them do what they’re trained for.

“From now on they’re in charge of fuel, supplying food to shops, keeping kids in school, all Covid-related measures, the upcoming COP26 climate change summit, Ofcom and trade deals. It’s not a military coup if it’s by invitation.

“It’s brilliant because all my voters, which is to say a f**ked-up coalition of working-class Northerners and the posh rich South, love the Army so it’ll be hugely popular at the next election. Should we be allowed to hold one.”

Private Josh Hudson, aged 19, said: “They told me I’d be travelling to war-torn countries to help their citizens eke out their squalid lives, but I never imagined I’d see somewhere as deprived as Merthyr Tydfil with my own eyes.

“We have a moral duty to start shooting insurgents immediately. Starting at the top.”

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The five best pointless, destructive in-fights at this week's Labour conference

THE country is in crisis and people are looking to Her Majesty’s Opposition for answers just as they’re having a seaside punch-up. These are the headline bouts: 

Keir Starmer vs Angela Rayner

High boots, gobby, a flame-coloured mane: Starmer has none of these. But his deputy does and terrifies Southerners who nonetheless confuse her with Jess Phillips. Rayner will build an unassailable lead throughout the conference but nobody can be arsed with another leadership race.

Left vs further left

The Tories are out there f**king everything, so the key priority must be to pick a fight with someone on your own side. Whether anti-Semitism or racism or transphobia, finding some dodgy tweets from your opponent’s teenage years is what Labour needs to be doing right now.

Sadiq Khan vs Andy Burham

Mayorbowl, or who gets to run this shambles once Keir loses to Boris, is the tastiest scrap of the week. Two men coming off regional wins in their local sports centres now trying to make it in arenas. Burnham had plummeted down the rankings until discovering a cock o’ the north Oasis swagger and more subtle eyeshadow. Khan is fresh off a win and remains the son of a bus driver. Who will triumph?

Celebrity vs other celebrity

Never short of famous supporters, Labour still can’t decide whether it wants to be the party that hates JK Rowling or the one that hates Maureen Lipman. But who will this week’s high-profile clash be? Stormzy vs Noam Chomsky? Steve Coogan vs Miriam Margolyes? Whoever is it, it’ll be better than anything the Tories could manage.

Jeremy Corbyn vs Piers Corbyn

The undercard the die-hards are waiting for, where the pious and incorruptible socialist who would have won if everyone had voted for him takes on the family’s breakout star, anti-vaxxer and mad-scientist-in-a-movie Piers. Which brother’s non-reality-based worldview wiill triumph, and who will care? Only at Brighton with Labour.