BMW X7 driver offering sex for petrol

THE driver of a BMW X7 SUV has signalled his willingness to trade sex for petrol effective ongoing, his colleagues have confirmed. 

Company CEO Martin Bishop, driver of the 5,400lb off-road vehicle, has sent an email to every current employee of Bishop Healthcare Claims and is also approaching them at their desks to secure enough fuel to get home tonight.

He said: “It’s every workers’ fantasy to bend the boss over the boardroom table and give him one. It can be you, today, for six gallons of premium.

“I live 45 miles away on top of a hill. This bastard absolutely drinks fuel. There are three petrol stations near me and they’ve been empty since Thursday. I will take your genitals to heaven.

“You’re all here with your cars because I made you come in. You’re angry about it. You’ve got the precious juice I crave. Shaft me good and proper. I deserve it.

“If anyone needs to see me, I’ll either be by the toilets, out in the car park siphoning petrol, or by the toilets again. I hope this won’t change the relationship between us.”

Bishop was later seen by the pumps at a Shell station at 11pm wearing just a tie and bikini briefs, offering to dance erotically for half a Jerry can.

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Man's chivalrous offer of coat to cold date ruined by her acceptance

A MAN’S gallant offer of his coat to a chilly date has backfired by her accepting and wearing it.

Gentleman Tom Logan has been left confused and outraged after shivering date Nikki Hollis actually accepted the opportunity to wear his big toasty jacket.

Logan said: “Doesn’t she know guys don’t mean it when they offer women their jackets? It’s just a meaningless gesture we make to look nice and hopefully get laid. I thought they taught them that in school.

“If she wanted to stay warm she should have packed a coat into her little clutch bag. Sure, she needs the coat more than me, and I’d be freezing my tits off right now if I wasn’t snugly insulated by this thick jumper, but it’s the principle I’m mad about.

“I couldn’t even feel all manly and protective as I slipped it over her shoulders because she nearly got make-up on the collar. That jacket’s new and she’s probably going to f**k it up by pulling it around her.

“Would it spoil things if I immediately asked for it back?”

Hollis added: “I had to drop hints about how cold I was half a dozen times before Tom offered his coat. It was a test and he failed. No sex for him.”