'Hoots mon' and five other comments Scots love to hear from the English

NOTHING pleases a Scotsman more than an English person paying tribute to their proud culture by saying a Scottish phrase in a terrible accent. Tom Logan of Colchester explains:

‘Och aye the noo’

This is a very popular phrase in Scottishland and Scots say it to each other daily. Shouting it on the streets of Edinburgh while dancing a rough approximation of a Highland jig and swigging Irn Bru will restore their love for the union.


Just left your house or got out of your car or a lift? Shout this to cause a ripple of heartwarming appreciation from any Scots nearby. You might also consider using it during a conversation on Scottish independence.

It’s a braw moonlicht nicht the nicht

A hilarious way of pointing out that the weather in Scotland makes it basically inhabitable. On the one evening a year Scots can spend outside because it’s not freezing, pissing down or both, Scots use its light to hunt down the wild Haggis and their offspring, Scotch eggs.

See you Jimmy

As we all know, Scots love to aggressively shout this at each other in tribute to their favourite comedian Russ Abbott – the ‘Big Yin’ – before having a fight. So why not join in?


Scottish people are reliably delighted to once again hear the line made famous by sweaty, old fashioned, no-nonsense detective Jim Taggart. And, given the prevalance of street violence and extreme alcoholism in our Highland cousins, there probably will have been a recent murder in their vicinity.

‘Hoots mon’

The most endearing time to use this widely used Scottish phrase is when expressing faux-amazement at modern technology that they don’t have in Scotland – such as electricity, bread or roofs on houses.

‘Donald where’s your trooosas’

If you shout this at old Jocko, you’ll have a tartan-clad friend for life as steadfast and loyal as the man on the shortbread tin. Ask him to say ‘Curly Wurly’, it’s f**king side-splitting.

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The top 10 best places to get pinged

PINGING is Britain’s new craze, with the country going wild for getting an alert on the NHS app and having to self-isolate. But where’s the coolest place for it to happen? 

In the club

Nightclubs open Monday, and there’s no cooler sound when you’re lighting up the dancefloor than the ping of Covid contact from your phone. ‘All back to mine for the next 10 days!’ you roar, to cheers.

On the beach

Our summer this year will be spent domestically, to the gentle sound of waves on the shore, cawing gulls and a chorus of pings from phones. Ensure you’ve not been buried up to the neck in the sand when everyone else gets theirs.

In the cinema

Has Black Widow just got a text? Nope, it’s you and by extension everyone watching the movie. You may as well stay for the post-credits scene now, you won’t be going anywhere else anytime soon.

In the bedroom

‘Did you..?’ ‘Have you just..?’ Yeah baby, you heard it. We just got pinged and now we’re locked in for a 10-day sex session. Brace yourself.

At work

Everyone’s back in the office because the boss doesn’t trust you to work from home because you’ve only been doing it for 18 months. At 9.08am you get pinged, and pinball around the desks making sure to get within 2m of everyone, to their delight.

On a train

To celebrate once you receive your ping, ask fellow passengers to line each side of the carriage and run down it high-fiving everyone on board. No more f**king commuting for you.

While already self-isolating

Got pinged already? Get pinged again? You’ve just lengthened your period of blissful solitude at home. And if someone walks past your house with Covid on the 10th day and it gets picked up on your Bluetooth? Pinged again, and it still counts.