The six most nightmarish weirdos in Tesco after 9pm

IF you’ve ever found yourself in a 24-hour Tesco, you may have been spooked by encountering the late-night shoppers that haunt the aisles. Here they are:

The single item customer

Contraceptives, alcohol, lifesaving medication: these are the only excusable items to be purchasing in isolation. Otherwise, there is no late-night sight that chills the blood colder than a grown man watching the conveyor belt carry his singular Müller corner.

The family

A family in a supermarket is not ordinarily an unsettling sight. But at midnight? This leaves more questions than answers, and answers you don’t necessarily want to hear.

The whistler

The post-apocalyptic mood of a supermarket during the early hours is bad enough. Nobody needs a melancholic old man whistling a tune from days gone by. Especially not next to the butchered meat.

The big shopper

Many will try to defend the idea of doing a Big Shop at night, with all sorts of lines about how much less crowded and stressful it is. However, there’s a reason Tesco isn’t rammed with people doing their Big Shops in the middle of the night. And it’s because it’s f**cking bizarre.

The connoisseur

Cool, calm and collected, this cultured customer is in no rush to get home before sunrise. Weighing up the pros and cons of various sun-dried tomato brands is annoying at the best of times, but doing so in the path of the staff member trying to mop the floors is downright psychotic.

 You

Yes, you. What makes you the most nightmarish of all the weirdos is that you think you’re the normal one. Whatever your excuse, if you find yourself in the fruit and veg aisle between the hours of 9pm and 6am, you’re just as bad as the rest of them.

Seatbelts and traffic lights to be 'personal responsibility' from next week

THE government will lift all obligations to observe red lights or wear seat belts as of Monday, no matter the consequences. 

Motorists have been urged to exercise ‘common sense’ when approaching red lights at busy junctions and only to run through them if they consider it ‘prudent’.

Rules on drink-driving have also been revised, with the offence deemed to be ‘a matter of personal conscience and discretion’.

Minister for transport Chris Heaton-Harris said: “Given the 300 per cent rise in road accidents since January, we feel it is all the more important that drivers use sound individual judgement in deciding when to use their new freedoms.

“Obviously, there are times to employ your native English judgment as to whether you really need to use a seat belt, for say, a short journey of 35 miles along unlit country roads.

“Similarly drink-drivers should be cautious. If they have imbibed seven pints they should ask themselves if they really feel they’re fit to be at the wheel of their Range Rover Evoque. If their answer is ‘Hell, yeah’ then they should proceed as long as they are absolutely confident.

“As for speed limits, again, this should be a matter of personal judgment. It would be wrong to impede those who need to proceed, on legitimate business, past a primary school at 8.34am at 62 miles per hour.

“Yes, lives might be lost but we have to balance that against the economy.”