Heatwave provides excuse to eat f**k-off chunk of ice cream on a stick

BRITAIN’S heatwave is providing an excellent excuse to eat a massive block of chocolate-coated ice cream on a stick.

27-year-old greedy person Tom Logan said: “On normal temperate days people would be pretty scathing if I ate a shitload of ice cream in the middle of the afternoon.

“But it’s sunny and so I need to ‘cool down’.

“Even though ice cream isn’t really ice. It’s more like cream.”

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Manchester United protest at massive superiority of opponents

MANCHESTER United have lodged an official protest with FIFA following their traumatic 1-0 defeat to the formidable Singha All Star XI.

They had hoped their tour of the Far East would kick off against low calibre opponents, hopefully elderly waiters, schoolchildren or Celtic.

However, on reaching Thailand, they were shocked to realise that they would be facing a team consisting entirely of stars.

Man Utd manager David Moyes said, “We’re just a team of honest, Lancastrian journeymen from the North West of England. We never expected to be facing football’s equivalent of the Harlem Globetrotters.

“We looked at the teamsheet and we were astonished. Teeratep Winothai. Narit Taweekul. When they said “All Star” they meant it.

“Wayne Rooney was so terrified he locked himself in the disabled toilet.

“We don’t have “stars” in our team. We have players like Danny Welbeck and Phil Jones. Not All Star razzmatazz names like Daosawang, Thonglao and Phanrit.”

Fortunately, the Singha All Stars caught the look of abject terror in their Mancunian opponents and went easy on them, even letting them have a touch of the ball now and then.

Moyes said: “They could have run out 15 or 20 nil winners if they’d wanted but they realised it was a scandalous mismatch.

“After the game, they kindly agreed to have their photographs taken with us and autograph our shirts. The lads were thrilled, they said it was like meeting Roger De Courcey, Smokie or Little And Large.”