Housing crisis to be solved by starter forests

BRITAIN’S housing crisis will be solved by people living in forests like Ewoks, David Cameron has announced.

The prime minister has promised to make a wide range of woodland accommodation available, including primitive lean-to shelters, a branch to sleep on or simply a patch of damp earth under a bush.

Cameron said: “People need to stop obsessing about living in houses when Britain has hundreds of perfectly good forests complete with free meals in the form of nuts, berries and worms.

“All the evidence shows forests are better than houses. It’s no wonder Robin Hood and his men were merry when life was just one big ‘glamping’ holiday with healthy quarterstaff duels, venison barbecues and sexy cartoon foxes.

“Ewoks, Miss Tiggywinkle, wood elves, Bear Grylls, the Smurfs – they’ve all enjoyed the benefits of forest living without modern-day hassles like hefty central heating bills.”

When asked if he intended to live in a forest instead of his ginormous mansion, Cameron pretended to be incredibly angry about the unrelated issue of Islamic extremists not returning library books.

Office worker Tom Logan said: “My girlfriend and I have just moved into one of the government’s new starter forests and it’s pretty nice, apart from the pneumonia and marauding bands of starving neighbours.”

Today everyone in Britain said they were preparing to embark on an insane bidding war so that sleeping rough in a clump of ferns will require a down-payment of at least £40,000.

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Crime and Punishment reclassified as non-Russian novel

DOSTOYEVSKY’S Crime and Punishment cannot be Russian as the country does not seem interested in either, scholars have agreed. 

Following Russian authorities’ collective shrug at the murder of opposition politician Boris Nemstov,  the novel is to be reclassified as European literature because that includes countries where concepts like justice are taken at least half-seriously. 

Professor Helen Archer said: “Crime and Punishment is about a student who kills two old women and is pursued doggedly by a policeman and his own guilt until he confesses to the crime. Could there be anything less Russian? 

“A more accurate version would see the student bribe the policeman, then the two plot further crimes over vodka before being recruited as hitmen for a gas oligarch. Hijinks ensue.”

Russia has responded by announcing that Tolstoy’s classic War and Peace is to be re-edited and titled War, War, More War and War Again