How have you horrified your woke teenager this weekend?

YOUR 14-year-old is in her room, on FaceTime, telling her best friend in Florida she’s never met of your latest scandalous transgression. What is it this time?


You had no idea her who played Diana in The Crown was non-binary and mistakenly used the wrong pronouns. Your apology was not sufficient, especially when it turned out you meant the one in the new series who isn’t non-binary, compounding a crime which was already ‘basically genocide’.


Discussing what a lovely house Uncle Graeme in Ottowa has got, you are informed that you have essentially praised the British Empire and the massacres of indigenous peoples that white supremacy is built on. He served a cream tea in the garden which makes it worse.


‘Lovely eyelashes he’s got, is he Latino?’ you ask about the YouTuber your daughter’s watching, proud of yourself for not saying Hispanic. After several hours of affronted silence, you learn that you denied BenzoDawg his black identity with your Karen assumptions.

Being pro-police

Janet across the way had a strimmer taken from her shed and called the police, who gave her a crime number but never came out because they never do these days. Three hours later you have agreed it’s a good thing they didn’t as they’re an armed gang founded on slavery and Janet would be guilty of state-sanctioned murder.


Mentioning Shona at your husband’s work was gay but now isn’t because she married a man has your enlightened offspring reeling in disbelief. How could even you be so callous as to erase Shona’s queer lived experience to envelop her in your smothering, bigoted heteronormativity?

Cultural appropriation

‘These samosas are culturally appropriative,’ your son mutters. ‘No they’re not, I asked for the vegan ones especially,’ you reply. For some reason he decides not to take this one further, finishes his chana balti and bottle of Cobra, and goes upstairs.

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Millennials give up hope of ever affording embarrassing midlife crisis

THE millennial generation will not have the savings to waste on a ludicrous midlife crisis like their parents did, experts have warned.

A combination of rising inflation and no hope of getting on the property ladder has forced them to accept they will never be able to splash out on a Mazda MX-5 when they start going bald or get bored of their spouse.

Lucy Phipps said: “When my dad turned 51, he bought a Gibson Les Paul with his own name embossed on it. It cost about 12 grand, and is largely the reason why I now have such a huge student loan to pay back.

“But given that the majority of my salary goes to the landlord of the shitty flat I live in, I won’t be able to afford to do something similarly selfish like leave my husband and go on a round-the-world trip with a hot young gigolo when I reach the menopause. It’s not fair.”

Economist Martin Bishop said: “Young people today piss their money away on flat whites and Netflix, when they should be saving for one massive vanity purchase in their 50s that will capsize their finances and estrange their family.”