The five reasons your mum has popped round that are clearly bullshit

YOUR mum is a nosy parker desperate to keep tabs on your life. These are the reasons she’ll pretend she’s popped round for.

Her printer is broken

Your mum’s printer has stopped working. She’s brought her laptop to show you the button that does nothing when she hits it. The printer? Oh, it’s back home ten miles away. No, she doesn’t know what kind it is. Maybe you can come over on Saturday and fix it? She never sees you these days.

Susan’s daughter just got a promotion

Susan’s daughter, who works in IT in London, has been promoted again. Isn’t that great news? She’s making more than £50k per year and she gets to go to conferences in Zurich. Apparently she just had to work really hard and be brilliant at her job. Is that something you’ve ever considered?

Your auntie is annoying her again

Jean said she wanted to go to John Lewis on Wednesday but then remembered she had her Zumba class, so now your mum has had to change the date that she’s popping next door to see Donna’s new kitchen island and sometimes she doesn’t know why she bothers. Anyway, have you got a girlfriend yet?

She wants to reproach you for having the heating on

Goodness, it’s warm in here! Your mother has been living in a state of shivering martyrdom for three months now, wearing vast quantities of shawls and blankets. Why are you able to spend so much money on energy bills all of a sudden? Have you had a promotion? Or are you selling drugs on the side?

She wants a cup of tea

She was going to get a cup of tea in Costa but the price was incredible. Should you put the kettle on? Ooh, yes, she’s gasping, and while you’re at it could you make her a sandwich and top up the oil and water in the car? But only if it’s no trouble.

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How to pretend you're cool with your friend getting a glamorous media job

HAS a close friend just got a cool job in the media and, in your mind at least, is now one of life’s winners? Here’s how to pretend you’re not hideously twisted with jealousy.

Tell them of your joy in no uncertain terms

Say you’re really happy they’re hanging out with Alex Jones or Richard Osman or whoever now. Tell them right to their smug bastard little face. Also compliment them on the amazing attributes that got them the job, such as having rich parents. Above all you’ll always be there for them if they need a plus-one for a star-studded BBC party. You might meet Dan Snow. F**k!

Blabber on to everyone

To make sure there’s no room for doubt about your feelings of happiness for your lucky f**k of a friend, repost their big news on your own feed with sickly comments about how proud you are. Remember, the more exclamation marks you use, the more enthusiastic you will seem!!!!!!! 

Show your support 

Now they’ve bagged themselves a cool TV job, show how supportive you are by pestering them for live-record audience tickets and backstage passes. Post photos of their glamorous working environment on all social media. If you happen to catch them in unflattering poses, such as scrabbling around on the floor like a dog while wiping up Clare Balding’s spilt tea, so much the better. 

Blot out their showbiz anecdotes

Deep meditation involving hours of monotonously repeating mantras will block out incredibly impressive anecdotes like them walking down a corridor past Timothée Chalamet. If devoting your life to Theravada Buddhism doesn’t work, try repeatedly slamming your head against a wall. That should erase all memories of them happily chatting with John Bishop about Twixes at the vending machine.

Get horribly competitive

Prove you’re totally cool with your friend’s success by single-mindedly becoming more successful, ruthlessly stomping on anyone who gets in your way. Maybe a match-winning Lioness, a Hollywood A-lister or President of the United States? If those careers inexplicably don’t pan out, find new friends with boring HR jobs.