How I would rewrite British history, by a gammon

THE government is rightly holding a ‘heritage summit’ to defend British history against woke bastards, and I think rewriting the story of our proud island is a great idea. Here’s how I would improve it. 

We won all the wars

Britain won loads of wars, so we’re entitled to add a few more. When my son gets an A+ for his essay about how the Paras defeated the Romans and the French at the Battle of Asterix, I’ll be proud as punch.

Slavery wasn’t all bad

Have you seen the price of a flight to the States? I expect a lot of Africans would have loved a free trip, particularly if you’ve never been on a boat before. Also I think British slave traders were probably just loveable entrepreneurs, like Del Boy.

Let’s have more ‘feel good’ history

It’s time to rid the history books of all that depressing, negative stuff like the Amritsar Massacre and replace it with positive British achievements we can all be proud of, like inventing the Dyson vacuum cleaner.

England has won every World Cup since 1966

As every England supporter knows, we only keep getting knocked out at the quarter-finals due to pure bad luck or cheating, so let’s award ourselves 55 years of World Cup trophies. I’m sure Baddiel could redo the song so it goes ‘Football’s never left’.

The EU collapsed in 2007

Once the Treaty of Lisbon was signed, the EU was doomed. It hasn’t actually happened yet, but after Brexit it will. There should be documentaries about how we had street parties. You could do it with actors and after 20 years your brain will think you were actually there.

Britain has colonised space

History isn’t about facts, so let’s pretend we’ve got an empire in space. I might pop over to see my hot new Saturnian girlfriend later in my car, the HMS Millennium Falcon.

500 valuable LPs, and other things that get chucked when you move in with someone

Moving in with your partner is blissful, apart from the moment when discover they’ve got rid of some of your most cherished possessions. Here’s what you’ll lose:

Rowing machine

Having a rowing machine in the spare room made you feel like you did regular exercise, even though you only used it twice. However, you’ll be devastated to find it gone, especially when your partner mentions needing room ‘for the baby’.

Tagine

You bought it whilst backpacking ten years ago and have made some amazing stews in it, despite the strange gritty quality it adds to every recipe. Now a brand new status symbol Le Creuset casserole dish sits in its place. When questioned, your other half claims the tagine had a crack in it.

Favourite painting

You spent quite a lot of money on a painting by a real artist and enjoy looking at it every day. However, on arriving home from the shops one day you’re horrified to discover it has been replaced by a lurid poster for a film called Escape from New York. It’s a cult classic, you’re informed.

Priceless collection of 500 LPs

What’s the point of taking up valuable space with rare Belgian pressings, autographed promos and red vinyl when your partner can simply pug in their laptop and access thousands of tracks by popular chart acts like Ed Sheeran and Dua Lipa? They’ll let you keep Sergeant Pepper, but only because they like the funny picture on the cover.

Framed photo of your parents

You put it in the corner of the bedroom, but your other half claimed being stared at by your dad was putting them off during sex. Losing the photo itself doesn’t matter, but tucked in behind it was a scrap of paper with the password to access your secret bitcoin stash.