How to absolutely, comprehensively lose your shit if your child doesn't get their first-choice primary school

YOUR child has been condemned to educational subnormality and a career washing wheelie bins by being denied their first-choice primary. How should you freak out? 

Wail and moan

When a four-year-old’s future has been torn away, no reaction is too histronic. Roll on the floor weeping. Drive your Kia Sportage into a tree. Consider self-immolation on the steps of the council offices. This is state-sanctioned murder. Ignore your child’s attempts to calm you. They don’t know.

Lodge an appeal

Fill in the form and send it off, yes. But then hire a barrister – preferably a KC, is Cherie Blair available? – for the hearing before an independent admissions panel. Threaten legal action against the council, the school, the admissions panel, the Department of Education and parents of children who did get a place. Nuclear is the only way to go.

Write to your MP

The letter is only the start. Demand an in-person meeting, visit their office in Westminster, turn up without warning outside their home waving placards. Protesters against the war in Gaza do, and this is far more important. Don’t rule out glueing yourselves to their car and your child to the windscreen.

Get the local paper involved

A photo of yourselves and your child looking heartbroken outside your chosen school, heartrending invented stories of bullying, a tear-stained teddy bear; it all adds up. School governors still read it, because by definition they’re busybodies with nothing better to do.

Use medical grounds

Get a doctor on board. Private, obviously. Run your four-year-old through a battery of test to firmly establish their myriad shortfalls and complex needs. Really drive home to the kid that without specialist help there is no hope for them. Your chosen school can provide such help. What luck.

Consider this a warm-up

The correct primary school has been secured. You can relax for the next six months or so, until they begin their first term and you begin worrying about getting them into your first choice of secondary school. Have you considered a compulsory purchase order for their sports field, then building a house on it? Because that’s definitively in f**king catchment.

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Girlfriend marks territory by leaving hair bobbles around boyfriend's flat

A MAN’S new girlfriend is asserting her presences and scaring away rivals by leaving hair ties in every room of his home.

Charlotte Phelps, aged 29, began to lay down markers with thin bits of elastic, then swiftly followed this with bobby pins, and later added two-thirds of the hair section from Claire’s Accessories.

She said: “It’s hardwired biologically. Humans are territorial animals, which is why you never see the same people in McDonalds and The Ivy, even though they’re on the same street.

“So to stake my claim as his mate I’m layering his dwelling with bobbles, scrunchies, and indeed long strands of my hair. These will trigger a fight-or-flight response in other women of breeding age, not that I’m thinking about kids because I’m not.

“The next step is to aggressively spray my perfume everywhere as a scent marker other females will pick up on. This also extends to buying him candles which no single man would ever own.

“It’s basically the human equivalent of baring your teeth, pissing in a circle, and waggling your genitals. Can’t argue with science.”

Boyfriend Oliver said: “It’s pretty normal to want to territorially tag your significant other. I took an outrageous dump at her place. That’ll warn suitors away from 60 feet.”