How to be a good ally to a straight white man

YOU might be a progressive tofu-eating Guardian reader, but do you know how to support straight white men? Become an ally to this un-marginalised group with this guide.

Educate yourself

Learning requires unlearning. Forget all those preconceived notions about how terrible straight white men are that feminism has brainwashed you with. If you read the history books you’ll find at least a dozen who didn’t do anything terrible. Their descendants should be proud of this achievement.

Speak up

If you hear someone speaking ill of straight white men, have the courage to speak up and defend them. Like Atticus Finch, but for people with a Ford Focus called Graham. However white men have done a lot of bad shit like sexism and inventing golf, so do a rigorous fact check to make sure the insults are not justified. Usually they are, so you’re better off keeping your mouth shut, actually.

Try to get to know one

Not difficult because they’re bloody everywhere. The hard bit is putting up with them as they dominate the conversation and correct you on your opinions with wisdom gleaned from the pub or ‘the real world’. Your hard work will pay off though as you’ll be able to say ‘I’ve got a lot of straight white friends, actually’ if someone accuses you of being progressive.

Own their privilege for them

Because f**k knows they won’t acknowledge it for themselves. Whenever you see a straight white man taking the inside track on life thanks to the vast privilege gifted to him by society, make sure you remind them of their undeserved good fortune and undermine any actual hard work they might have put in. They’ll be really grateful for your feedback and try to fail in future.

Learn tolerance

Nobody’s saying you need to go as far as inviting one to hang out with your multi-racial gender fluid polycule on board game night. Could you imagine? But small changes add up. If you can listen to a straight white man droning on about fishing or roadworks without yawning, you’ll be making a positive difference to society. Well done, you hero.

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'Why is the sky blue?' and other questions your kids can just f**king Google

SINCE the dawn of mankind kids have tormented their parents with stupid questions. But now you can just point them in the direction of the nearest search engine when asked this sort of shit.

‘Why is the sky blue?’

How the f**k is anyone supposed to know why the sky is blue? You’ve got more important things to worry about, like your mortgage and that weird noise your car has been making. You know it’s summat to do with refraction, but no need to rack your brains, there’ll be a Wikipedia page on it by Dorky McDorkface. 

‘Where do people go when they die?’

Providing spiritual guidance to a child is an incredibly rewarding experience, but also quite difficult unless you’re a theologian. As such it’s best that this vital guidance in life is provided by a laptop or smartphone. There are plenty of useful resources a small child can refer to: memes, YouTube videos by fundamentalist Christians, and, of course, Clive Barker’s Hellraiser films.

‘Where do babies come from?’

Thankfully, modern parents have been liberated from the agonising ordeal of ‘the talk’. Forget all the awkward bullshit about mummies and daddies loving each other very much. Hand your kid a tablet, send them to their room and tell them to direct their questions to the world wide web. They’ll have a normal and healthy understanding of sex in no time.

‘Why do dogs have tails?’

You do so much for your kids. You endure their awful TV shows, drive them to karate lessons and shower them with gifts on special occasions. And yet, after all this, they’ll still turn around and ruin your whole day with ‘Why do dogs have tails?’. It’s such a bollocks question you shouldn’t even bother Google with it. Tell them to type it into Bing while you have a lie down.

What does f**k/shit/wank mean?’

As a parent, you’re going to be asked the definition of a never-ending list of swear words. But these days you no longer have to play the role of a foul-mouthed Susie Dent. Urban Dictionary will provide a wealth of information about any swear word your kids can think of, and it may even teach them a few new ones for acts that make you feel slightly nauseous. There’s nothing quite so rewarding as learning together!