Therese Coffey filmed smoking turnips

THERESE Coffey has been secretly filmed shredding and smoking turnips for what she claims is the ultimate British high.

The environment secretary and native root vegetable evangelist was recorded in her office shredding dried turnip into a pipe, lighting it, smoking it and confessing to being ‘absolutely off her f**king face’ on patriotism.

On the recording, Coffey said: “Tomatoes? Mere flavour. You’ll never look back once you’ve tasted the exultant high of the true white meat.

“I’ve been smoking a turnip a day since I was 18, so that’s proof of their health benefits. And they’re versatile. You can have them from a pipe, put them in a cigar for a ‘Norfolk Blunt’, or use a hollowed-out turnip as a bong. Now that f**ks you up.

“One time me and Truss stayed up all night on turnips which must have been cut with swede, and I was so out of my box I regressed to a past life as a worm farmer in 1300s Worcestershire. Greatest night of my bloody life.

“But not everyone can handle them. We couldn’t have the whole country chasing the neep all day or we’d get nothing done. Christ, there’s nothing left on this one. Pass that Swaffham Kush over, I’ll do us another bowl.”

A government spokesman said: “Yes, Therese Coffey smokes turnips. Yes, they frequently render her incapable of rational thought for days. What of it?”

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Woman who persuaded boyfriend to shave beard now has no choice but to dump him

A WOMAN who had never seen her boyfriend without a beard is regretting finding out he looked better with most of his face covered up.

Emma Bradford thought it would be fun to see what Oliver O’Connor looked like clean shaven and was distressed to discover he had a horrifically weak chin on top of a sagging, pimply neck.

Bradford said: “We’d been seeing each other for six months and I didn’t have a clue what was under that beard, so I spent several days pestering him to shave it. What a terrible error that was.

“At first it was a laugh watching him do it, as he shaved it into some funny styles, but the more that came off, the more traumatised I became.

“My handsome, masculine boyfriend slowly morphed into a chubby, chinless dweeb. It turns out that a beard really can mask a litany of failings, including an overbite and a spotty neck.

“Sadly I had no choice but to break up with him there and then. I know the beard will grow back, but my idea of him as an attractive person to have sex with sadly never will.”