BEING for or against woke is all the rage at the moment. Instead of being reasonable, why not head straight for the demented extremes of the debate?
Pro-woke: Find obscure causes of possible offence
These should be things that would never occur to any normal person, eg. ‘Why are there so few board games designed for LGBTQ+ people?’ There’s no better way to advance a worthwhile cause than to sound like you’re parodying it.
Anti-woke: Make things up
People on the anti-woke media bandwagon/gravy train ignore actual prejudice, which is inconveniently real, preferring to invent silly examples: ‘How long before people are identifying as a toilet brush?’ It’s like claiming you’re a historian because you’ve written a paper on Noggin the Nog.
Pro-woke: Lecture people in a patronising way
Before you came along, no one had ever considered that the British Empire might not be very nice. But thanks to whole minutes of in-depth googling, you can reveal completely undocumented historical injustices like the Opium Wars and society being a bastard to Alan Turing.
Anti-woke: Lecture people in a deranged way
Confidently predict the total collapse of normal society due to woke. If you worry your own nonsense might be making you lose your grip on reality, remember it’s an occupational hazard of working for the Telegraph.
Pro-woke: Rigidly take sides
‘If you’re not with me, you’re my enemy’ said Darth Vader, who’s not the best role model. Nonetheless, assume anyone not 100 per cent supportive of every aspect of woke is evil and join in every unsavoury Twitter pile-on.
Anti-woke: Have a totally cynical political agenda
For many anti-woke pundits, woke isn’t anything to do with woke. It’s about keeping the public voting Tory now Brexit is inexplicably losing its sparkle. Don’t expect it to stop until there’s something else to pathetically play the victim over.