How to be an absolute tool who phones radio stations

EAGER to share your chuckleheaded opinions on air and be publicly humiliated in the process? Radio phone-in regular Roy Hobbs explains how: 

Have no f**king clue what you’re talking about

This cannot be stressed enough: knowledge is your enemy. If you’re discussing the EU, claim it was Hitler’s idea. If you have half an inkling about a subject, run head-first into a wall before you dial and put your faith in concussion. The deeper your ignorance, the better.

Assume you can outwit a professional broadcaster

Let’s say you’re calling LBC presenter James O’Brien. He does this every day, has a long broadcast journalism career and grills aggressive politicians. He’ll cave instantly when confronted by a rambling dickhead with an unfathomably racist point about Indian doctors.

Be patient

You’ll probably be kept on hold for a while. Hang in there. Don’t be tempted to consider what you’re about to say. With a little patience the presenter will soon be tearing you a new arsehole while listeners feel ashamed for you.

Always have very right-wing views

These should be predictable: national service is automatically excellent, young people are all PC snowflakes, hanging works a treat. Before calling, do a quick mental audit to check you aren’t harbouring disconcertingly liberal views like ‘maybe slavery wasn’t that great.’

Make your point incomprehensible

Begin with an ambiguous statement, contradict yourself, tell an anecdote about your mate Tony who irrelevantly runs his own vegetable business, switch to an unrelated topic, contradict yourself again, lose the thread entirely and get cut off. That’ll show Remainers.

Forget the internet exists

Believe it or not, now that radio stations put clips of phone-ins online, a lighthearted quip about life in modern Britain can get you in trouble. And for ‘lighthearted’ substitute ‘horrendously racist’.

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What to expect at the £29 million Festival of Brexit

CONCERNED that in a global crisis there are better things to spend £29 million on than a festival celebrating something half the country doesn’t want? Wrong. Here’s what to look forward to: 

Souvenirs made by child labour

Festival UK 2022 happens long after the UK’s child labour laws have been temporarily suspended to make us a thrilling, buccaneering country like Bangladesh. Kids will sew souvenir tea towels and hand-paint plates with scenes of the Sunlit Uplands, whatever they were meant to be.

The Cliff Edge rollercoaster

Hardcore Brexiters love nothing more than careering towards disaster whilst denying anything is wrong so this will be a hugely popular attraction. Everyone else just has to go along for the ride, terrified for the disastrous end awaiting them.

Key worker gladiatorial fights

Public sector workers deserve to die. You know it, they know it, even Gary Lineker knows it, so why not make it entertaining by forcing them to fight to the death in arenas? The winner gets fired.

Live performances by Laurence Fox

Nothing sums up Brexit than the legendary Fox performing his solo acoustic numbers, followed by a few words of simple British common sense, followed by a one-man rendition of classic Lewis episode Generation of Vipers. Attendance mandatory.

An endless stream of piss up a wall

Central to the festival will be a massive sculpture of a giant stream of piss going endlessly up a wall. Attendees will add their urine to the trough then pay an extra £6.80 for the privilege of looking at it.