Whole nation dead certain they'll be going into Tier 1

EVERY region of England is convinced that they will be going straight from lockdown into the freedom of Tier 1, it has emerged. 

The announcement of a stringent three-tier system ranging from open pubs to all household mixing being banned has failed to concern anybody because they all firmly believe they will be in the easy level.

Stephen Malley of Leeds said: “Can’t wait. Even though the case rate’s not great where we are I can’t see them going for anything above a Tier 1. Not in Yorkshire.

“This second lockdown’s been tough specifically so that people in Leeds can all get wankered together in the pub on 3rd December. Don’t know about other places. None of my business.”

Mary Fisher of Canterbury said: “I think, personally, that we’ll be let off the hook completely. It’ll be either Tier 1 or Tier 0 for us, where nightclubs can re-open at full capacity and multiple households can do whatever.

“We’re not like other towns, you see, we’re much safer, and we’ve got a lovely cathedral.”

She added: “I hope they put Southend in Tier 3. They’re dirty bastards over there. Tier 3’s no more than they deserve.” 

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Bake Off winner to be taken to Mr Kipling's underground lair

THE winner of The Great British Bake Off will leave humanity to work in Mr Kipling’s underground cake catacombs.

Tonight’s winner will be handed over to Kipling’s bald, dwarfish minions in the traditional ceremony which follows the end of the series.

The judges will solemnly shave the winner’s head and kiss them on both eyelids, before handing them over to Kipling’s homunculi who will load them into a sedan chair and carry them into a cave.

Little is known about life in Kipling’s subterranean world, but it is understood that his baking factory is a huge cavern where Kipling’s giant fondant-encased brain hovers above a cake production line staffed by a mix of human bakers and troglodytes.

Mr Kipling said: “For the Bake Off Champion, this is a homecoming. Here there is only cake.”

A spokesman said: “Any who enters the Bake Off understands that this is their ultimate reward. Once they have embarked on the spiritual path of baking, high quality confectionery becomes the only absolute.”