Friday, 22nd January 2021

Whole nation dead certain they'll be going into Tier 1

EVERY region of England is convinced that they will be going straight from lockdown into the freedom of Tier 1, it has emerged. 

The announcement of a stringent three-tier system ranging from open pubs to all household mixing being banned has failed to concern anybody because they all firmly believe they will be in the easy level.

Stephen Malley of Leeds said: “Can’t wait. Even though the case rate’s not great where we are I can’t see them going for anything above a Tier 1. Not in Yorkshire.

“This second lockdown’s been tough specifically so that people in Leeds can all get wankered together in the pub on 3rd December. Don’t know about other places. None of my business.”

Mary Fisher of Canterbury said: “I think, personally, that we’ll be let off the hook completely. It’ll be either Tier 1 or Tier 0 for us, where nightclubs can re-open at full capacity and multiple households can do whatever.

“We’re not like other towns, you see, we’re much safer, and we’ve got a lovely cathedral.”

She added: “I hope they put Southend in Tier 3. They’re dirty bastards over there. Tier 3’s no more than they deserve.”