How to be an idiot about wearing a poppy

DO you want to hijack an act of remembrance for your own purposes, or just be a general idiot about poppies? Here’s how.

Have no idea what wearing a poppy means

The idea of poppies is to remember those who lost their lives in conflicts, not to show you think your country is great. It’s really not a jolly celebration of England winning two world wars and one World Cup. Look it up.

Go absolutely ballistic if someone on telly isn’t wearing one

It’s definitely because they’re communists or pacifists or something and have no respect for ‘our boys’ – they didn’t just forget or aren’t allowed to. Luckily there is a free therapeutic service to vent your rage before your heart explodes, known as ‘Daily Mail comments’.

Stick a poppy on your right-wing website

Co-opt the poppy to promote your newspaper, like most tabloids. Or plaster it all over your nutty fascist website, as Britain First did until they were made to stop. Boosting your site traffic is definitely what the fallen would have wanted.

Get angry about white poppies

Take logic to bizarre extremes if you have to. White poppies remember ‘all victims of war’ so people who wear them are sad about Osama Bin Laden, right? Don’t let the fact that no one thinks this stop you being enjoyably cross.

Wear two or even three

Have a paper poppy, a pin badge poppy and put one on your car too, so everyone knows what a massive patriot you are, even though it’s not really about that and you just look a bit mental.

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Parents try to work out which a*sehole kid started sick bug

PARENTS of children who have been vomiting all night are pointlessly trying to work out who is to blame.

Angry mums and dads have spent an entire morning trying to identify which child and their scumbag parents violated the 48-hour incubation rule. 

Mum-of-two Emma Bradford said: “My money is on that little boy in year three who started the nit outbreak last month.

“Although apparently Kelly Hollis from reception never washes her hands after she’s been to the toilet so it could be her. I have no evidence of this but I do need someone to blame. 

“Whoever is responsible for this outbreak needs to take a long, hard look at themselves. I was supposed to be going to the pub quiz tonight but now I’ll be catching child puke in a bowl.

“I’m sending my kids to school in hazmat suits next week.”