A guide to Tory spending vs Labour spending

THE Conservatives and Labour are locked in an escalating battle over spending. Who is promising you personally the most? 

Health

Tories: 40 brand new hospitals, except that is a fib and there might be some in 2040. Also tax breaks for high-earning consultant surgeons and more ward visits by Boris Johnson. Cost: £13bn. 

Labour: Tax on millionaires to buy more nurses, more cleaners and more honest working-class Henry Hoovers. Prescription charges scrapped, even for not-exactly-lifesaving stuff like Viagra and wobbly eggs. Cost: £35bn. 

Benefits

Tories: Massive rise in pensions, home heating allowance and nursing care for over-65 Conservative voters without whom the party would be stuffed. All other benefits scrapped and claimants made to wear pink ‘Scrounger’ sandwich boards. Cost: £5bn. 

Labour: ‘Benefits freeze’ to become ‘benefits warmed up’, making claiming the dole marginally less rubbish. Cost: £6bn. 

Transport

Tories: Will finish HS2 or cancel it, whichever is the best for Britain or rather the Tories. More roads and more of them named after Top Gear presenters. Wacky airport ideas from Boris. Cost: £25bn. 

Labour: Renationalise railways, put more buses on, and all served with lashings of lovely carbon neutrality. Probably won’t happen but some rural areas might get more than one bus a month. Cost: £2.5bn. 

Taxes

Tories: Enormous tax cuts for anyone who’s got tonnes of money, paid for by a series of mean little tax cuts for the poor. Very popular with lots of the poor. Cost: £107bn. 

Labour: New quantum Marxism taxation means it is possible to afford anything. Apparently will cripple the finances of the rich, so watch out for Adele and Richard Branson begging by the roadside. Cost: minus £800bn.