We'll have to clean our a*ses like cats after Brexit, experts warn

BRITISH citizens may have to learn to sit on the floor and lick their backsides with one leg in the air post-Brexit.

The Institute for Studies warned that any kind of Brexit deal, particularly no-deal, could result in periodic shortages of toilet roll and the need to learn cat anal hygiene.

This will mean adults and children getting used to finding a roomy space – such as the middle of the living room carpet – and using their tongue to keep their rear orifice clean.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “A bog paper crisis will mean Britons may face a challenge they did not anticipate when they voted back in 2016.

“We urge people to take up yoga, or other physical activities which will make you supple like a cat. Some loosening of the inhibitions around bottom-wiping in plain sight of other family members may also be necessary.”

Leading Brexiter and MP Mark Francois said: “There will be no shortages of anything. After Brexit every home in Britain will own at least one million rolls of bog paper each.

“However I will be cleaning my anus like a cat from now on, starting with my next defecation in 30 minutes’ time, to make another pointless gesture against the EU.”

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How are you pretending to enjoy being single?

BEING single is apparently now ‘self-partnering’ and it’s empowering and cool. Here are some ways to pretend you’re thrilled to be alone.

You have total freedom 

Unfortunately this consists of the ‘freedom’ to do things like: not spend time with somebody you love; not have anyone to talk to at rubbish social events; and, of course, the freedom to not have sex.  

You can date yourself 

Some ‘single-positive’ people claim to go on ‘dates’ with themselves. This probably just means reading a book in a restaurant, unless you actually have a conversation with yourself, which will scare other diners and be extremely predictable. However you can guarantee you’ll be going back to yours for ‘sex’.

You’re just choosing not to have a partner right now

Exactly! You could hop right back into the relationships game any time you choose. (Note: This is probably slightly easier if you are ‘self-partnered’ extremely attractive multi-millionaire Hollywood actress Emma Watson.)

You can get into new activities 

Proudly single people are weirdly into new activities, as if being in a couple means it’s illegal to do yoga. However it unquestionably frees up time for worthwhile activities – just don’t say things like “Being single means I can finally get involved with the local boy scouts”. That can come across the wrong way.

You can slob out 

Slobbing out is undoubtedly fun, but keep mentioning how much you love it and you may find yourself drunkenly cackling at drivel on Netflix as you eat Nik Naks alone in bed for the rest of your life.