Wednesday, 19th February 2020

We'll have to clean our a*ses like cats after Brexit, experts warn

BRITISH citizens may have to learn to sit on the floor and lick their backsides with one leg in the air post-Brexit.

The Institute for Studies warned that any kind of Brexit deal, particularly no-deal, could result in periodic shortages of toilet roll and the need to learn cat anal hygiene.

This will mean adults and children getting used to finding a roomy space – such as the middle of the living room carpet – and using their tongue to keep their rear orifice clean.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “A bog paper crisis will mean Britons may face a challenge they did not anticipate when they voted back in 2016.

“We urge people to take up yoga, or other physical activities which will make you supple like a cat. Some loosening of the inhibitions around bottom-wiping in plain sight of other family members may also be necessary.”

Leading Brexiter and MP Mark Francois said: “There will be no shortages of anything. After Brexit every home in Britain will own at least one million rolls of bog paper each.

“However I will be cleaning my anus like a cat from now on, starting with my next defecation in 30 minutes’ time, to make another pointless gesture against the EU.”