Saturday, 7th December 2019

How to be an offended baby boomer

DO you feel you’re being unfairly attacked for being a baby boomer, despite believing anyone with a grievance is a ‘snowflake’? Here’s what to do.

Suggest ‘boomer’ is a deeply offensive slur

Claim it’s on a par with racism and should be banned. Completely fail to see the irony that you’ve been moaning about political correctness for years and possibly even believe it was much better when you could call people ‘shirt-lifters’, ‘gypos’ and worse.  

Accuse anyone younger than you of lacking respect

Don’t concern yourself with whether simply being older means you deserve respect - after all, quite a few serial killers probably live to be 100. Also ignore the fact that younger people generally are quite respectful and are not all lazy scumbags just because they grew up with double glazing.

Double down on saying ‘In my day…’ 

Make growing up in the 1960s sound like some sort of Dickensian nightmare. Eventually you’ll be totally convinced you did have to walk uphill to school nine miles each way in three feet of snow, even if it never actually happened. Ideally all younger acquaintances should genuinely believe you lived in the Monty Python ‘Northerners’ sketch.

Insist you’re always right because of the Second World War

You weren’t actually in it, but your dad nearly was so that makes you hardened to the harsh realities of life, or something. This doesn’t really make sense, but nor does being a Daily Express reader who believes everyone and everything is terrible these days.