How to be an offended baby boomer

DO you feel you’re being unfairly attacked for being a baby boomer, despite believing anyone with a grievance is a ‘snowflake’? Here’s what to do.

Suggest ‘boomer’ is a deeply offensive slur

Claim it’s on a par with racism and should be banned. Completely fail to see the irony that you’ve been moaning about political correctness for years and possibly even believe it was much better when you could call people ‘shirt-lifters’, ‘gypos’ and worse.  

Accuse anyone younger than you of lacking respect

Don’t concern yourself with whether simply being older means you deserve respect – after all, quite a few serial killers probably live to be 100. Also ignore the fact that younger people generally are quite respectful and are not all lazy scumbags just because they grew up with double glazing.

Double down on saying ‘In my day…’ 

Make growing up in the 1960s sound like some sort of Dickensian nightmare. Eventually you’ll be totally convinced you did have to walk uphill to school nine miles each way in three feet of snow, even if it never actually happened. Ideally all younger acquaintances should genuinely believe you lived in the Monty Python ‘Northerners’ sketch.

Insist you’re always right because of the Second World War

You weren’t actually in it, but your dad nearly was so that makes you hardened to the harsh realities of life, or something. This doesn’t really make sense, but nor does being a Daily Express reader who believes everyone and everything is terrible these days.

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John Lewis Christmas advert stars dragon who burns his own d*ck off

THE new John Lewis advert stars Excitable Edgar, a dragon who burns off his own penis and has to wait until Christmas for a new one. 

The CGI dragon is so thrilled to see the festive season approaching that he lets loose a huge burst of flame and fries his own scaly member, then writes a letter to Santa asking for a new one. 

Director Eleanor Shaw said: “Edgar trudges round the fairytale city, sad that though winter is coming he’s lost his dragonly manhood and his Yuletide is ruined. 

“Finally Christmas Eve arrives and gifts fall magically from Santa’s sleigh, spiralling down through the snowy streets, but there’s nothing for poor Edgar. 

“That’s until he sees a final glowing parcel and unwraps a wonderful new penis, which is actually a John Lewis iridescent snake-textured dildo, the perfect gift for friends and relatives at £36. 

“Then, overcome with delight, Edgar takes off and burns down the whole town and its inhabitants, all set to a lovely acoustic cover of ‘The Heat Is On’ by Jess Glynne.” 

Nathan Muir of Colchester said: “Is it just me or is it a bit derivative of Game of Thrones this year?”